1
00:00:00,318 --> 00:00:02,901
(gentle music)

2
00:00:05,232 --> 00:00:06,190
(gentle music continues)

3
00:00:06,190 --> 00:00:07,023
- [Singer] One, two.

4
00:00:07,023 --> 00:00:08,606
One, two.

5
00:00:08,606 --> 00:00:11,773
(gentle upbeat music)

6
00:00:19,593 --> 00:00:21,567
♪ You got to face it ♪

7
00:00:21,567 --> 00:00:25,032
♪ Love makes no sense ♪

8
00:00:25,032 --> 00:00:28,867
(gentle upbeat music)

9
00:00:28,867 --> 00:00:31,125
♪ Don't try to fight it ♪

10
00:00:31,125 --> 00:00:36,125
♪ All your defenses are
useless to you now ♪

11
00:00:36,385 --> 00:00:38,928
(gentle upbeat music)

12
00:00:38,928 --> 00:00:43,569
♪ When you leave this room all
you will think about is me ♪

13
00:00:43,569 --> 00:00:47,321
(gentle upbeat music)

14
00:00:47,321 --> 00:00:50,260
♪ I'll be every song on your radio ♪

15
00:00:50,260 --> 00:00:52,711
♪ Everything on your TV ♪

16
00:00:52,711 --> 00:00:53,764
(gentle upbeat music)

17
00:00:53,764 --> 00:00:56,228
♪ Just wait and see ♪

18
00:00:56,228 --> 00:01:01,228
♪ Even though you never looked at me ♪

19
00:01:01,601 --> 00:01:06,601
♪ I know the real you
is behind those eyes ♪

20
00:01:06,685 --> 00:01:11,685
♪ Every true story is full of lies ♪

21
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,710
♪ That leads to ♪

22
00:01:13,710 --> 00:01:15,361
(keys jingling)

23
00:01:15,361 --> 00:01:16,662
(phone buttons beeping)

24
00:01:16,662 --> 00:01:18,873
♪ The real you ♪

25
00:01:18,873 --> 00:01:21,305
(telephone ringing)

26
00:01:21,305 --> 00:01:22,268
(gentle upbeat music)

27
00:01:22,268 --> 00:01:23,960
(telephone ringing)

28
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,506
- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this
is Eli, leave a message.

29
00:01:25,506 --> 00:01:26,394
(egg splatting)

30
00:01:26,394 --> 00:01:27,732
(phone line beeping)

31
00:01:27,732 --> 00:01:29,898
- Hey, it's Tom.

32
00:01:29,898 --> 00:01:30,783
Again.

33
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:33,353
Call me.

34
00:01:33,353 --> 00:01:35,573
(gentle upbeat music)

35
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:40,249
♪ I'll take you by the hand
and soon I'll pull your heart ♪

36
00:01:40,249 --> 00:01:41,355
(door thudding)

37
00:01:41,355 --> 00:01:44,875
♪ Out of your body, and there is no way ♪

38
00:01:44,875 --> 00:01:46,221
(door thudding)

39
00:01:46,221 --> 00:01:49,023
♪ You can escape me ♪

40
00:01:49,023 --> 00:01:53,475
♪ I know the real you
is behind those eyes ♪

41
00:01:53,475 --> 00:01:55,165
(car alarm blaring)

42
00:01:55,165 --> 00:01:59,654
♪ Every true story is full of lies ♪

43
00:01:59,654 --> 00:02:01,648
♪ That lead to ♪

44
00:02:01,648 --> 00:02:02,481
(car door thudding)

45
00:02:02,481 --> 00:02:03,908
(gentle upbeat music)

46
00:02:03,908 --> 00:02:05,514
♪ The real you ♪

47
00:02:05,514 --> 00:02:06,347
(car door thudding)

48
00:02:06,347 --> 00:02:07,438
(gentle upbeat music)

49
00:02:07,438 --> 00:02:09,030
♪ The real you ♪

50
00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:12,113
(car engine revving)

51
00:02:13,125 --> 00:02:16,292
(gentle upbeat music)

52
00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:22,337
♪ Real you ♪

53
00:02:22,669 --> 00:02:27,166
♪ Real you ♪

54
00:02:27,166 --> 00:02:31,234
♪ Real ♪

55
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:33,067
♪ You ♪

56
00:02:34,796 --> 00:02:36,203
(gentle music)

57
00:02:36,203 --> 00:02:38,580
(footsteps tapping)

58
00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:40,020
- Hi, I'm Eli Wyckoff.

59
00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:41,580
I'm here for my test results.

60
00:02:41,580 --> 00:02:43,770
- And you're about an hour early.

61
00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:45,270
Why don't you go get yourself some coffee?

62
00:02:45,270 --> 00:02:47,340
- Oh, I'm gonna wait, if that's okay.

63
00:02:47,340 --> 00:02:48,173
- Okay.

64
00:02:48,173 --> 00:02:49,006
- [Eli] All right.

65
00:02:54,510 --> 00:02:55,743
- This your first time?

66
00:02:56,697 --> 00:02:57,930
- My first?

67
00:02:57,930 --> 00:02:59,540
No.

68
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:00,373
No.

69
00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:05,343
I have this habit of getting
tested after every boy,

70
00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:08,343
guy that I ever, you know.

71
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,910
Well, there's only been
like three in the past few.

72
00:03:13,107 --> 00:03:17,280
Oh this is the third, so
it's not really a habit, yet.

73
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,240
- Uh-huh.

74
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,073
- Oh, no.

75
00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:19,980
It's not like I think
there's even a chance

76
00:03:19,980 --> 00:03:22,323
that I have, you know.

77
00:03:23,177 --> 00:03:24,660
I know the dangers.

78
00:03:24,660 --> 00:03:26,430
I do the police blotter
for the Hollywood News,

79
00:03:26,430 --> 00:03:29,580
so me and danger, we're like this.

80
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:30,945
- So why are you here?

81
00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:33,090
(telephone ringing)

82
00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:35,640
Feedback Clinic, this is Esther.

83
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:36,473
Uh-huh.

84
00:03:37,620 --> 00:03:39,020
Well, did you suck his dick?

85
00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:41,970
Then you better come in.

86
00:03:41,970 --> 00:03:42,803
Okay.

87
00:03:47,130 --> 00:03:48,960
- Hi, I'm Tom.

88
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,970
And I'm an alcoholic.

89
00:03:50,970 --> 00:03:51,833
- [Group] Hi, Tom.

90
00:03:53,910 --> 00:03:58,870
- So, I'm 10 days away
from my 30-day chip.

91
00:03:58,870 --> 00:04:01,787
(group applauding)

92
00:04:03,345 --> 00:04:06,512
(Tom throat clearing)

93
00:04:07,470 --> 00:04:08,823
Yeah, anyway.

94
00:04:11,490 --> 00:04:12,873
Both my parents are drunks.

95
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:18,450
But, I still don't feel like
I belong here, you know.

96
00:04:22,583 --> 00:04:24,603
I mean, I go to flea markets.

97
00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:27,270
I vote.

98
00:04:27,270 --> 00:04:31,203
Even for, like, school
board and and prop whatever.

99
00:04:32,490 --> 00:04:34,350
I'm a special ed teacher,
for Christ's sake.

100
00:04:34,350 --> 00:04:36,120
It's not like I'm this Hollywood has-been,

101
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,440
crouched in an airport bathroom,

102
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,033
sucking on a can of final net.

103
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,743
So why am I here?

104
00:04:46,950 --> 00:04:47,783
The truth?

105
00:04:50,340 --> 00:04:51,633
Truth is, I met a guy.

106
00:04:52,485 --> 00:04:54,540
(gentle upbeat music)

107
00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:56,763
And if I had to pick a,

108
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:01,410
I don't know, a trigger, you know,

109
00:05:01,410 --> 00:05:03,203
I'd have to say it was all over this guy.

110
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,790
(gentle upbeat music)

111
00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:06,623
But, whatever.

112
00:05:06,623 --> 00:05:07,456
You know what?

113
00:05:07,456 --> 00:05:09,003
Who cares how it happened.

114
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,403
Bottom line is I'm here.

115
00:05:13,812 --> 00:05:15,630
And I quit drinking and guys

116
00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:17,751
because I can't be trusted with either.

117
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:20,334
(Tom laughing)

118
00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:22,103
Thanks.

119
00:05:26,749 --> 00:05:27,832
- Nice going.

120
00:05:28,860 --> 00:05:29,693
- Oh.

121
00:05:29,693 --> 00:05:30,780
(Tom laughing)

122
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:31,753
- Yeah, well, I'll get it
right one of these times.

123
00:05:31,753 --> 00:05:34,020
- It sounded right to me.

124
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:35,794
It's like you were telling my story.

125
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:36,627
- Yeah?

126
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,460
- Yeah.

127
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:38,700
- Well, I shared first, so I
get dibs on the book rights.

128
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:39,533
- That's fair.

129
00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:41,730
- So tell me about the guy.

130
00:05:42,870 --> 00:05:43,703
- You know what?

131
00:05:43,703 --> 00:05:45,480
No, I don't want to keep you from.

132
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:46,500
- What, from what?

133
00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:49,110
The important things in life,
like stapling or filing?

134
00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:51,540
Oh, please, I couldn't be more bored.

135
00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:52,650
- So this thing with that guy?

136
00:05:52,650 --> 00:05:54,900
You seem pretty healthy with it.

137
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:56,147
- Only to the sight and hearing impaired.

138
00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:57,780
(Gary laughing)

139
00:05:57,780 --> 00:05:59,250
- Pull up your chair, honey.

140
00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:00,083
- This one?

141
00:06:00,083 --> 00:06:00,916
- Yeah.

142
00:06:00,916 --> 00:06:01,758
Move up.

143
00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:04,925
(gentle upbeat music)

144
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:09,780
So, you and your boyfriend, you broke up.

145
00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:11,235
- Oh, boyfriend, I don't know.

146
00:06:11,235 --> 00:06:12,720
- I don't know, I don't know.

147
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,563
But things just got too, too, you know.

148
00:06:18,237 --> 00:06:19,110
And I choked.

149
00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:19,943
I'm an alcoholic.

150
00:06:19,943 --> 00:06:20,776
You do the math.

151
00:06:20,776 --> 00:06:23,670
- We met on a blind date, which sucked.

152
00:06:23,670 --> 00:06:24,810
Then we became friends

153
00:06:24,810 --> 00:06:27,090
and now we don't speak to each other.

154
00:06:27,090 --> 00:06:28,920
So, a happy ending.

155
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,367
- How did we meet.

156
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:31,860
(gentle upbeat music)

157
00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:33,270
It all started with this phone call

158
00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:34,803
from my best friend, Jackie.

159
00:06:35,970 --> 00:06:37,182
- Tom.

160
00:06:37,182 --> 00:06:38,015
Pick up.

161
00:06:39,016 --> 00:06:40,643
Pick up, pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up.

162
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:43,553
Damn it.

163
00:06:43,553 --> 00:06:44,730
Where are you?

164
00:06:44,730 --> 00:06:46,320
I'm at a pay phone, 'cause I can't get

165
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:47,910
my piece of shit cell phone to work

166
00:06:47,910 --> 00:06:50,049
unless I'm standing on my head
with my fingers up my ass.

167
00:06:50,049 --> 00:06:51,426
- Whoo hoo.
- Yeah.

168
00:06:51,426 --> 00:06:52,259
- Fuck you.

169
00:06:52,259 --> 00:06:53,610
(car horn honking)

170
00:06:53,610 --> 00:06:55,651
Anyway, listen.

171
00:06:55,651 --> 00:06:58,080
What are you doing Friday night?

172
00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,400
'Cause I just met this guy Brett

173
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,870
at a furniture store on Montana,

174
00:07:00,870 --> 00:07:03,870
and he showed me this
great love seat to die for,

175
00:07:03,870 --> 00:07:06,000
and I think I could get it wholesale.

176
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,848
There's just one catch.

177
00:07:07,848 --> 00:07:11,015
(gentle upbeat music)

178
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,891
♪ Everything I want you got it ♪

179
00:07:17,891 --> 00:07:20,365
♪ Everything I need, you own it ♪

180
00:07:20,365 --> 00:07:23,152
♪ Everything I need, you got it ♪

181
00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:25,649
♪ Everything in me, you want it ♪

182
00:07:25,649 --> 00:07:28,500
♪ Everything I want, you got it ♪

183
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:31,104
♪ Everything I need, you own it ♪

184
00:07:31,104 --> 00:07:33,655
♪ Everything I need, you got it ♪

185
00:07:33,655 --> 00:07:37,860
♪ Everything in me, you want it ♪

186
00:07:37,860 --> 00:07:39,397
- Any luck?

187
00:07:39,397 --> 00:07:40,230
- Oh.

188
00:07:41,303 --> 00:07:42,360
With?

189
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:43,193
- Oh, I don't know.

190
00:07:43,193 --> 00:07:44,400
I just figured by now
you'd be looking for change

191
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,900
beneath the seat cushions.

192
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:46,733
- Oh, God.

193
00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,240
You did, you saw me?

194
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,920
- Oh yeah, no, the whole routine.

195
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,203
The little dance thing.

196
00:07:51,203 --> 00:07:52,036
(Jackie laughing)

197
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:52,869
- Oh, that's great.

198
00:07:52,869 --> 00:07:53,702
That's great.

199
00:07:53,702 --> 00:07:54,600
Now I'm thoroughly mortified.

200
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:55,433
- No, you're fine.

201
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,400
Don't worry about it.

202
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,233
- Well, I know.

203
00:07:57,233 --> 00:08:00,660
But now it's your turn to
do something humiliating.

204
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:03,030
- Oh, well, I work in a furniture store,

205
00:08:03,030 --> 00:08:04,423
so I've pretty much covered those bases.

206
00:08:04,423 --> 00:08:05,790
(both laughing)

207
00:08:05,790 --> 00:08:07,830
- Well, hello, hey, what's humiliating

208
00:08:07,830 --> 00:08:09,530
about an employee discount, right?

209
00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:11,880
Which, by the way, does that apply

210
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,560
to this sort of wheelie cartie thing?

211
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,430
'Cause this is yummy.

212
00:08:14,430 --> 00:08:15,263
- Right.

213
00:08:15,263 --> 00:08:17,130
Look, A, I get 10% off of this crap,

214
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,450
and B, you know, I don't know if

215
00:08:18,450 --> 00:08:20,670
the whole clockwork orange come Ikea thing

216
00:08:20,670 --> 00:08:22,290
is really your scene?

217
00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:23,280
Honestly.

218
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,284
- Quite a salesman.

219
00:08:24,284 --> 00:08:25,117
(both laughing)

220
00:08:25,117 --> 00:08:26,880
- Yeah, I don't even know
what half this shit is.

221
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:27,713
(both laughing)

222
00:08:27,713 --> 00:08:28,680
- Okay.

223
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,513
Great.

224
00:08:29,513 --> 00:08:31,020
Well, you know what, though?

225
00:08:31,020 --> 00:08:33,750
My heart does kind of beat
faster for this love seat.

226
00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:34,650
- Oh, you're kidding.

227
00:08:34,650 --> 00:08:36,120
- Why, do you hate it?

228
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,390
- No, it's the only thing
in the store that's mine.

229
00:08:39,390 --> 00:08:40,620
- Yours?

230
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,360
- One of my designs, yeah.

231
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,230
- Oh.

232
00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:44,670
You're a designer.

233
00:08:44,670 --> 00:08:47,610
- Yeah, yeah no, this was
one of my first projects.

234
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:48,660
- Well, I love it.

235
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:49,590
- Thank you.

236
00:08:49,590 --> 00:08:50,423
- What is the color?

237
00:08:50,423 --> 00:08:52,170
Sort of a yellow, beige, yellow.

238
00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:53,550
- Buttercup.

239
00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:54,630
- Buttercup?

240
00:08:54,630 --> 00:08:55,463
- Buttercup.

241
00:08:55,463 --> 00:08:58,525
(gentle upbeat music)

242
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,230
I'm not gay, okay,

243
00:09:01,230 --> 00:09:02,400
just 'cause I say butter you know.

244
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,590
You know, I have this argument
with Eli all the time.

245
00:09:04,590 --> 00:09:05,423
God damn it, man.

246
00:09:05,423 --> 00:09:06,690
You know, honestly, just
'cause I say buttercup

247
00:09:06,690 --> 00:09:07,523
doesn't mean I'm gay, you know.

248
00:09:07,523 --> 00:09:09,360
Or I used to be gay, or I want to be gay.

249
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,580
Not gay, you know, just very particular

250
00:09:11,580 --> 00:09:14,700
about the nomenclature I
use regarding my palette.

251
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,770
- And who's Eli, the boyfriend?

252
00:09:16,770 --> 00:09:17,603
- Right.

253
00:09:17,603 --> 00:09:20,280
No, no, he's my, you
know, he's my best friend,

254
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,470
who happens to be gay.

255
00:09:22,470 --> 00:09:24,570
- Well, you know what I think?

256
00:09:24,570 --> 00:09:26,580
I think you're one of
those guys who, you know,

257
00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:29,070
sort of flirts with a girl,
maybe even takes her to dinner,

258
00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:30,660
and then, you know, when
push comes to shove,

259
00:09:30,660 --> 00:09:32,860
the only frenching you'll be
doing with her are her braids.

260
00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:33,810
(both laughing)

261
00:09:33,810 --> 00:09:34,980
- Well, that's pretty sassy.

262
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:36,180
So you've been braided a lot recently?

263
00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:37,950
- No, I look, I know gay men, okay.

264
00:09:37,950 --> 00:09:38,910
I practically invented them.

265
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:39,743
- Oh, okay.
- You know,

266
00:09:39,743 --> 00:09:41,250
and there's no such
thing as a straight guy

267
00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:43,740
with a gay best friend he's not fucking.

268
00:09:43,740 --> 00:09:44,573
Hey.

269
00:09:44,573 --> 00:09:45,406
Don't give me

270
00:09:45,406 --> 00:09:46,239
that look, all right.
- What?

271
00:09:46,239 --> 00:09:47,072
- My friend Tom who by the way,

272
00:09:47,072 --> 00:09:48,750
is single, if you're interested.

273
00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:49,980
Yeah, he's the first to agree.

274
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:51,150
- Right, right.

275
00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:52,650
Okay, well, thanks for the tip.

276
00:09:52,650 --> 00:09:55,475
I'm not particularly
interested in in in Tom.

277
00:09:55,475 --> 00:10:00,016
Unless, of course, I
mean, he has your eyes.

278
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:03,183
(gentle upbeat music)

279
00:10:08,310 --> 00:10:11,130
- So, there's actually a chance
that he didn't hate my guts,

280
00:10:11,130 --> 00:10:12,510
and I could be having his children

281
00:10:12,510 --> 00:10:15,630
on that kick-ass, buttercup love seat.

282
00:10:15,630 --> 00:10:16,920
Which is where you come in.

283
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,360
- I was like, great.

284
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,378
I figured next she'll be
asking me to blow some guy

285
00:10:19,378 --> 00:10:20,726
for 3 Day Blinds.

286
00:10:20,726 --> 00:10:21,559
(Gary laughing)

287
00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:24,060
- You know in the movies, when
a guy's in the supermarket

288
00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:26,280
and he accidentally bumps shopping carts

289
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,300
with the love of his life?

290
00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:28,133
- Mm-hmm.

291
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:28,966
- Yeah, well.

292
00:10:28,966 --> 00:10:30,510
The last few times I
bumped carts with anyone,

293
00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:33,420
they looked like they were
fresh off the special bus.

294
00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:35,928
That is why I let my friends fix me up.

295
00:10:35,928 --> 00:10:38,463
(telephone ringing)

296
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:39,795
(eerie music)

297
00:10:39,795 --> 00:10:42,420
(telephone ringing)

298
00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:44,453
- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this
is Eli, leave a message.

299
00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:47,492
- Eli, you there?

300
00:10:47,492 --> 00:10:48,325
Buddy?

301
00:10:48,325 --> 00:10:49,158
Hello, hello.

302
00:10:49,158 --> 00:10:50,970
That's right, there's an
"X Files" marathon on.

303
00:10:50,970 --> 00:10:54,660
I cannot believe I'm friends
with a Trekkie, it's pathetic.

304
00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:56,280
- Okay, I am not a Trekkie, you got that?

305
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,810
I just like, "The X Files."

306
00:10:57,810 --> 00:10:59,130
I believe the truth is out there.

307
00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:00,270
Don't you?

308
00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:01,103
- Yeah, whatever, look, man.

309
00:11:01,103 --> 00:11:01,936
I fully hooked you up.

310
00:11:01,936 --> 00:11:04,050
You have a date on Friday night.

311
00:11:04,050 --> 00:11:05,670
- What a minute, what?

312
00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:06,720
- Mm, yep, that's right.

313
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,010
Your losing streak is over, my man.

314
00:11:08,010 --> 00:11:09,600
He's a total stud, like a big guy.

315
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,710
- Okay, you always say that.

316
00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:11,820
It's like entry level.

317
00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:13,039
It means he's got nipples.

318
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:14,097
- For you, that'd be a step up.

319
00:11:14,097 --> 00:11:15,143
- Ha, ha, that's funny.

320
00:11:15,143 --> 00:11:17,076
- Anyway, like, friend
Jackie came into the store.

321
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:18,750
I completely hit it off.

322
00:11:18,750 --> 00:11:19,583
Yikes.

323
00:11:19,583 --> 00:11:20,416
Let me tell you.

324
00:11:20,416 --> 00:11:21,780
She's got unbelievable KB.

325
00:11:21,780 --> 00:11:22,613
- What is that, killer butt?

326
00:11:22,613 --> 00:11:24,240
- No, killer boobs.

327
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,423
Anyway, she told me about her friend Tom.

328
00:11:26,423 --> 00:11:27,660
Sounds like a nice guy.

329
00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:30,540
I lied, basically, I said
you were a great guy.

330
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:31,373
Told her about you.

331
00:11:31,373 --> 00:11:32,220
- That's really nice.
- And now you two

332
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:33,053
have to go out on Friday night.

333
00:11:33,053 --> 00:11:34,546
- Okay, wait a minute, says who?

334
00:11:34,546 --> 00:11:35,379
(door knocking)

335
00:11:35,379 --> 00:11:36,212
That's.

336
00:11:36,212 --> 00:11:37,045
- Actually, you know what?

337
00:11:37,045 --> 00:11:37,878
Can I can I call you right back?

338
00:11:37,878 --> 00:11:39,150
I just showed up at my
loser gay friend's place.

339
00:11:39,150 --> 00:11:39,983
I'll call you back.

340
00:11:39,983 --> 00:11:41,457
- That's funny.
- It's mainly junk.

341
00:11:41,457 --> 00:11:42,290
Anyway, look.

342
00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:43,842
I know it didn't go all so, you know,

343
00:11:43,842 --> 00:11:47,040
that well the last time
with, Richard, was it?

344
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,480
- Rita, from UPS.

345
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:49,710
She was a woman.

346
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,720
- Whatever, you know, she was still gay.

347
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,460
That's your problem, you're so picky.

348
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,560
Anyway, you yourself said she had KB.

349
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:56,760
- Killer boobs?

350
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,660
- No, butt.

351
00:11:57,660 --> 00:11:58,800
- Okay, you know, the whole initial thing?

352
00:11:58,800 --> 00:11:59,880
It's got to stop.

353
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,849
And P.S. I never said KB, I
said KGB, killer garlic breath.

354
00:12:02,849 --> 00:12:03,682
- Oh.

355
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,957
Whatever, look, the bottom line is,

356
00:12:05,957 --> 00:12:09,390
I made a reservation for you, for Tom,

357
00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:10,980
Friday night at Nick's, eight o'clock.

358
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:11,813
Be there or be square.

359
00:12:11,813 --> 00:12:12,840
- Okay, you know, I hate
it when people say that,

360
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:13,980
'cause even when I'm there, I'm square,

361
00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:15,240
so what is the incentive?

362
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,199
- Well, he's a teacher.

363
00:12:16,199 --> 00:12:17,460
Sounds like a great guy.

364
00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:18,293
Maybe you'll get lucky.

365
00:12:18,293 --> 00:12:19,260
You'll have to stay after class.

366
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:20,093
All right?

367
00:12:20,093 --> 00:12:20,953
Detention?

368
00:12:20,953 --> 00:12:21,960
You like that sort of thing, don't you?

369
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,820
The discipline, the gravity
boots, the whole thing.

370
00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:24,653
You're welcome.

371
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,540
- Of course, you went?

372
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:28,890
- Yep, I went.

373
00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:32,140
(gentle upbeat music)

374
00:12:38,348 --> 00:12:42,229
♪ She landed on my roof from Venus ♪

375
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:44,481
♪ Her ship ran out of gas fast as light ♪

376
00:12:44,481 --> 00:12:46,286
♪ And love came between us ♪

377
00:12:46,286 --> 00:12:48,991
♪ Fashion girl from outer space ♪

378
00:12:48,991 --> 00:12:51,926
♪ I'll never turn you on ♪

379
00:12:51,926 --> 00:12:52,759
♪ Future love ♪

380
00:12:52,759 --> 00:12:54,303
♪ That's right, that's
right, that's right ♪

381
00:12:54,303 --> 00:12:56,209
♪ Making future love tonight ♪

382
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:57,950
♪ That's right, that's
right, that's right ♪

383
00:12:57,950 --> 00:13:00,356
♪ Making future love tonight ♪

384
00:13:00,356 --> 00:13:02,227
♪ It's all right if I love you ♪

385
00:13:02,227 --> 00:13:04,351
♪ It's all right if I don't ♪

386
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,325
♪ But I've been praying
that you're running away ♪

387
00:13:06,325 --> 00:13:08,378
♪ 'Cause I got the feeling,
honey, that you won't ♪

388
00:13:08,378 --> 00:13:11,439
♪ Supersonic safety love ♪

389
00:13:11,439 --> 00:13:14,354
♪ I'll never turn you on ♪

390
00:13:14,354 --> 00:13:16,442
♪ That's right, that's
right, that's right ♪

391
00:13:16,442 --> 00:13:18,174
♪ Making future love tonight ♪

392
00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:19,488
♪ That's right, that's right ♪

393
00:13:19,488 --> 00:13:22,655
(gentle upbeat music)

394
00:13:24,797 --> 00:13:25,630
(car door thudding)

395
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:26,463
- [Eli Voiceover] Believe me,

396
00:13:26,463 --> 00:13:27,574
I didn't have high hopes for this date.

397
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,610
- [Esther Voiceover] Well, you
didn't have anything to lose.

398
00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:30,450
- [Eli Voiceover] I know.

399
00:13:30,450 --> 00:13:32,220
Honestly, all I kept thinking was,

400
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:33,641
I hope he doesn't smoke.

401
00:13:33,641 --> 00:13:34,811
(Tom exhaling)

402
00:13:34,811 --> 00:13:35,644
(Eli coughing)

403
00:13:35,644 --> 00:13:37,689
♪ Sometimes I wish I had a gun ♪

404
00:13:37,689 --> 00:13:38,522
(gentle upbeat music)

405
00:13:38,522 --> 00:13:39,730
(people speaking indistinctly)

406
00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:42,060
- I'm gonna go up to the
bar and get another drink.

407
00:13:42,060 --> 00:13:42,990
You want you want something?

408
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:43,823
- Yes, yes.

409
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:44,656
I'll have another seltzer with lime.

410
00:13:44,656 --> 00:13:45,489
- Seltzer with lime.

411
00:13:45,489 --> 00:13:46,770
- Make it a white wine spritzer.

412
00:13:46,770 --> 00:13:47,635
- Spritzer, got it.

413
00:13:47,635 --> 00:13:50,940
- On second thought, can I get a 7 and 7?

414
00:13:50,940 --> 00:13:52,530
Rocks with a twist.

415
00:13:52,530 --> 00:13:54,180
- Okay, are you sure?

416
00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:56,070
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
always get a 7 and 7.

417
00:13:56,070 --> 00:13:56,903
- Oh, hi.

418
00:13:56,903 --> 00:13:57,840
Yeah, we're gonna have a.

419
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,580
- Absolut Martini,
straight up, two olives.

420
00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:00,730
Make it a little dirty.

421
00:14:02,182 --> 00:14:03,630
(glass tapping)

422
00:14:03,630 --> 00:14:04,643
You?

423
00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:05,476
- Uh.

424
00:14:06,656 --> 00:14:08,388
(people speaking indistinctly)

425
00:14:08,388 --> 00:14:10,664
(glass tapping)

426
00:14:10,664 --> 00:14:13,914
(gentle upbeat music)

427
00:14:29,270 --> 00:14:30,513
Do you like movies?

428
00:14:33,270 --> 00:14:34,350
- Yeah, I like movies.

429
00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:35,283
- Yeah, me too.

430
00:14:36,173 --> 00:14:37,680
I think it was gay night
on cable last night,

431
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,645
'cause, "In and Out" was on again.

432
00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:41,815
(gentle upbeat music)

433
00:14:41,815 --> 00:14:42,648
- Uh-huh.

434
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,070
- Nah, I just thought
it was great, you know,

435
00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:46,367
to see a movie like that, with two guys.

436
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,188
Not with two guys, you know,

437
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,753
with two guys who, you know, in the movie.

438
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:53,513
- I hated it.

439
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:55,500
- Oh.

440
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,790
Yeah, no me too.

441
00:14:56,790 --> 00:15:00,270
I just thought it was light fun.

442
00:15:00,270 --> 00:15:01,200
- Fun?

443
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,033
- Yeah.

444
00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:04,560
- Fun to see Kevin Kline

445
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,660
get on his sorry-assed, middle-aged knees

446
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,910
and give us a big ole Hollywood blow job

447
00:15:08,910 --> 00:15:11,940
by catering to every cliched, homophobic,

448
00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:14,460
stereotypical idea of
what it means to be gay?

449
00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:17,490
Without having the decency or the courtesy

450
00:15:17,490 --> 00:15:20,010
or even just the balls
to drop a little trou'

451
00:15:20,010 --> 00:15:20,973
and show us his.

452
00:15:20,973 --> 00:15:22,830
- Wait a minute, come on.

453
00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:25,050
I don't know, I thought
it was nice to see a guy

454
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:27,270
coming out to his family, his friends,

455
00:15:27,270 --> 00:15:28,800
not to mention, his fiance.

456
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:29,790
- His fiance?

457
00:15:29,790 --> 00:15:31,410
The loser bitch has been
waiting her whole life

458
00:15:31,410 --> 00:15:34,320
to marry this Nelly,
Barbara-loving, self-hating,

459
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,320
geriatric English teacher
who can't get it up for her.

460
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,940
And we're supposed to feel sorry for her?

461
00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:41,130
Aw, no fucking way.

462
00:15:41,130 --> 00:15:42,373
I mean, you do the math.

463
00:15:42,373 --> 00:15:44,423
Where the hell is the
waiter with my drink?

464
00:15:45,489 --> 00:15:46,389
You want anything?

465
00:15:47,664 --> 00:15:49,448
(gentle upbeat music)

466
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,557
- I'm not even going
to mention, "Birdcage."

467
00:15:53,508 --> 00:15:57,690
(people speaking indistinctly)

468
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:58,830
Can I get a diet coke?

469
00:15:58,830 --> 00:15:59,730
- Sure.

470
00:15:59,730 --> 00:16:02,792
- All right, what was your
favorite movie of all time?

471
00:16:02,792 --> 00:16:05,073
Let's just start with that.

472
00:16:06,330 --> 00:16:07,163
- You know what?

473
00:16:07,163 --> 00:16:08,520
I'm not a big fan of the favorites game,

474
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,133
so why don't you go first?

475
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,293
- Oh, okay.

476
00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:18,360
Well, I know it sounds corny and cliche,

477
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,577
but I have to say, "Gone With The Wind."

478
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:22,740
- I never saw it.

479
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:23,910
- Yeah, right.

480
00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:24,743
- I didn't.

481
00:16:24,743 --> 00:16:26,370
I never saw, "Gone With The Wind."

482
00:16:26,370 --> 00:16:27,390
- You're kidding, right?

483
00:16:27,390 --> 00:16:28,305
- No, I'm not kidding.

484
00:16:28,305 --> 00:16:29,613
- Come on.

485
00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:31,590
- I never saw the movie.

486
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:32,700
- You never saw the movie?

487
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:33,543
- No, I never.

488
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,520
Okay, fine.

489
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,020
Do you want me to tell
you that I saw the movie?

490
00:16:37,020 --> 00:16:37,980
I will.

491
00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:38,813
I saw the movie.

492
00:16:38,813 --> 00:16:40,687
It was the best movie I've ever seen.

493
00:16:40,687 --> 00:16:43,373
Especially that part where Red Buttons

494
00:16:43,373 --> 00:16:45,780
is up on the hill with Charlotte.

495
00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:46,613
- Oh, my God.

496
00:16:46,613 --> 00:16:47,901
You are scaring me.

497
00:16:47,901 --> 00:16:49,650
- What do you want me to say?

498
00:16:49,650 --> 00:16:51,850
I'm not a big fan of
black and white movies.

499
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,440
Relax, would you?

500
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,493
Relax.

501
00:16:59,430 --> 00:17:00,810
I saw, "Fame" like 15 times.

502
00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:01,643
Does that help?

503
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:07,225
- Well, it's a start.

504
00:17:07,225 --> 00:17:10,142
(lighter clicking)

505
00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:14,363
Wow, KE.

506
00:17:15,997 --> 00:17:16,955
- What?

507
00:17:16,955 --> 00:17:18,038
- What?

508
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,011
- What did you just say?

509
00:17:20,011 --> 00:17:20,844
- Nothing.

510
00:17:20,844 --> 00:17:22,192
- Yeah, you just said something.

511
00:17:22,192 --> 00:17:23,025
- No, no, I didn't.

512
00:17:23,025 --> 00:17:23,858
- Yeah, you did.

513
00:17:23,858 --> 00:17:25,150
You said, KE, what what is that?

514
00:17:28,229 --> 00:17:29,070
- It it's nothing.

515
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:29,970
It's it's nothing.

516
00:17:31,168 --> 00:17:32,001
It's stupid.

517
00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:34,350
It's initial talk.

518
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:35,700
Brett and I have been doing it for years.

519
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:38,280
It is so stupid, it
means nothing, trust me.

520
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,113
- Right, so I just took a hit.

521
00:17:39,113 --> 00:17:40,230
- No, no, no, you didn't.

522
00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:41,790
Tom, believe me.

523
00:17:41,790 --> 00:17:43,217
I swear to you.

524
00:17:43,217 --> 00:17:46,384
(gentle upbeat music)

525
00:17:48,422 --> 00:17:50,755
It means, killer eyes, okay.

526
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:55,572
(gentle upbeat music)

527
00:18:03,570 --> 00:18:04,403
- You know what?

528
00:18:04,403 --> 00:18:05,236
I'm gonna go.

529
00:18:05,236 --> 00:18:06,630
It's late, and.

530
00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:10,560
- Yeah, yeah, let's you and I go.

531
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:11,640
On our way.

532
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:12,473
Ways.

533
00:18:12,473 --> 00:18:14,370
On our ways, separate, you and me.

534
00:18:14,370 --> 00:18:15,780
You know.

535
00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:16,620
Here, let's split it.

536
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:18,000
- No, I got it, I got it, I got it.

537
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:18,833
- No, let's split it.

538
00:18:18,833 --> 00:18:19,666
- No, I want to do this.

539
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:20,499
- Please, I don't want to do that.

540
00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:21,510
- Just let me pay.

541
00:18:21,510 --> 00:18:22,343
- Let me just split it.

542
00:18:22,343 --> 00:18:23,176
- Just let me do this.

543
00:18:23,176 --> 00:18:24,009
- Let me just pay for my own.

544
00:18:24,009 --> 00:18:25,200
- Just go.

545
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,049
- Going.

546
00:18:26,049 --> 00:18:28,110
(gentle upbeat music)

547
00:18:28,110 --> 00:18:28,943
He hated me.

548
00:18:28,943 --> 00:18:31,710
It was like I activated his gag reflex.

549
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:33,087
That is the last time I
will let you fix me up.

550
00:18:33,087 --> 00:18:33,920
You got that?

551
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,130
Take it in.

552
00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:37,157
Next date I go on is gonna
cost me $2 for the first minute

553
00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:39,060
and $1.50 each additional minute.

554
00:18:39,060 --> 00:18:40,365
- Did he say anything about me and Jackie?

555
00:18:40,365 --> 00:18:41,198
- What?

556
00:18:41,198 --> 00:18:42,031
No, it didn't come up.

557
00:18:42,031 --> 00:18:44,490
Are you sure the guy was even gay?

558
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:45,323
- Are you kidding?

559
00:18:45,323 --> 00:18:47,970
- I don't know, you know, with you.

560
00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:49,710
- How many straight guys you
know pretend they're gay?

561
00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:50,543
- Besides you?

562
00:18:50,543 --> 00:18:51,376
- Hello.

563
00:18:51,376 --> 00:18:52,209
You sure he didn't say anything about me?

564
00:18:52,209 --> 00:18:53,130
- Hey, you want eggs?

565
00:18:53,130 --> 00:18:54,120
I can easily add an egg to this.

566
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:54,953
You want an egg?

567
00:18:54,953 --> 00:18:56,402
- Can I have eggs, are
there eggs, are there eggs?

568
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:57,235
You have to relax.

569
00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:58,068
You're becoming a crazy person.

570
00:18:58,068 --> 00:18:58,920
You've been whipping for 20 minutes.

571
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,380
Your mother told me you
were going to be like this.

572
00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:03,390
- My mom called you again?

573
00:19:03,390 --> 00:19:04,830
What did you tell her?

574
00:19:04,830 --> 00:19:06,390
- No, she's concerned about you.

575
00:19:06,390 --> 00:19:08,160
You never you never talk
to the woman, you know.

576
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,650
She thinks you're becoming a big loser.

577
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:11,970
- Oh, that's nice.

578
00:19:11,970 --> 00:19:12,900
That's great.

579
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:13,733
Thanks.

580
00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:14,580
Thanks for that.

581
00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:15,570
Easy for her to say.

582
00:19:15,570 --> 00:19:16,770
I know what's out there.

583
00:19:16,770 --> 00:19:18,390
Guys with bad fucking hair plugs,

584
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:21,720
staples in their dicks, beanie
baby collections or worse.

585
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:22,710
- Worse?

586
00:19:22,710 --> 00:19:23,880
- Oh, there's worse.

587
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:24,780
- Oh, come on.

588
00:19:24,780 --> 00:19:26,580
It'll be so much better next time.

589
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:28,500
- There won't be a next time.

590
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:32,730
Unless his name is Ben,
Jerry, or Jose Cuervo.

591
00:19:32,730 --> 00:19:33,563
- Uh-huh.

592
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:35,340
Like you haven't already had those guys.

593
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:36,513
And their brothers.

594
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,330
Haven't you ever wondered what it's like

595
00:19:39,330 --> 00:19:41,250
to be with the same guy for more than,

596
00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:43,170
oh, I don't know five minutes?

597
00:19:43,170 --> 00:19:45,843
- With the guys I meet, five
minutes is all it takes.

598
00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:47,943
- Charming.

599
00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:52,113
Okay, but more importantly, mm,

600
00:19:53,370 --> 00:19:55,020
what did Eli say about me?

601
00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:56,970
Is it gonna happen with Brett?

602
00:19:56,970 --> 00:19:57,803
- No idea.

603
00:19:57,803 --> 00:19:58,775
Didn't mention it.

604
00:19:58,775 --> 00:19:59,608
- Oh.

605
00:20:00,690 --> 00:20:01,523
Like I care.

606
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:05,520
But maybe I should call Brett, and just,

607
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,370
you know, find out what
Eli said about your date.

608
00:20:08,370 --> 00:20:09,420
- Couldn't care less.

609
00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:14,520
- Right, right, we officially don't care.

610
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,800
I get it, yeah.

611
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,693
I definitely am not going to call.

612
00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:20,610
- Where you going?

613
00:20:22,350 --> 00:20:23,183
- Home.

614
00:20:23,183 --> 00:20:24,210
To officially not call.

615
00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:25,043
- No, no, no, no.

616
00:20:25,043 --> 00:20:25,950
You were supposed to stay here

617
00:20:25,950 --> 00:20:29,040
and watch lifetime television
for women and gay men.

618
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:29,873
- No.

619
00:20:29,873 --> 00:20:31,650
- It's Joan Van Arc in
not without my nose job.

620
00:20:31,650 --> 00:20:34,380
- Oh, angel. I've
already lived that movie.

621
00:20:34,380 --> 00:20:36,480
- All that shit people
say about finding the one?

622
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,100
I'm sick of it.

623
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:40,290
Tom certainly isn't.

624
00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:42,570
I don't ever think I'm going
to meet the guy who is.

625
00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:44,160
- You know, your whole problem
is there's no such thing

626
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,510
as the one, okay.

627
00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:46,380
- You're such a liar.

628
00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:47,850
Like two seconds ago,
you told me how you think

629
00:20:47,850 --> 00:20:48,937
this girl Jackie is the one.

630
00:20:48,937 --> 00:20:50,490
- I met her one time.

631
00:20:50,490 --> 00:20:52,440
I said she could be the
one or one of the ones.

632
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,490
There's not just one, one.

633
00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:54,780
You know, there's fractions of one,

634
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,161
there's halves of one,
there's quarters of one.

635
00:20:56,161 --> 00:20:58,500
You know, the idea is about
making yourself open to someone,

636
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:01,262
you know, perhaps Tom becoming the one.

637
00:21:01,262 --> 00:21:02,760
(birds chirping)

638
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,920
- Are you coming to the flea
market with me tomorrow?

639
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,540
- No, sweetie, by tomorrow,

640
00:21:06,540 --> 00:21:07,800
I'm hoping to actually have plans

641
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,960
with a man who will appreciate
me for my body, okay,

642
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,930
not just my brains and
wit and sense of style.

643
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:14,340
- So dad's in town?

644
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:15,340
- You're disgusting.

645
00:21:16,290 --> 00:21:17,850
Why don't you take a
date to the flea market?

646
00:21:17,850 --> 00:21:18,683
- Oh.

647
00:21:18,683 --> 00:21:20,730
- Okay, that is why you never go steady.

648
00:21:20,730 --> 00:21:23,100
- I haven't gone steady
since the seventh grade.

649
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:24,210
You do the math.

650
00:21:24,210 --> 00:21:26,040
- Besides, he kept
saying, "You do the math"

651
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,270
even when it made no sense.

652
00:21:27,270 --> 00:21:28,620
What a turn-off.

653
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:29,453
- What's the turn-on?

654
00:21:29,453 --> 00:21:30,960
According to your mother,
you haven't had a hard-on

655
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,580
since she first took you
to see the nutcracker

656
00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:34,143
at the Jewish community
center in first grade.

657
00:21:34,143 --> 00:21:35,520
- Stop talking to my
mother about my sex life.

658
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:36,353
- What sex life?

659
00:21:36,353 --> 00:21:37,186
- I have one.

660
00:21:37,186 --> 00:21:38,019
- Uh-huh.

661
00:21:38,019 --> 00:21:38,852
- Okay, you know, it counts.

662
00:21:38,852 --> 00:21:39,685
- Right.

663
00:21:39,685 --> 00:21:41,040
- I spent 10 years learning
which buttons to push,

664
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,510
now I just have to look
at myself and I come.

665
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:43,343
- [Brett] Ew.

666
00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:47,800
(gentle upbeat music)

667
00:22:01,435 --> 00:22:05,327
♪ Everybody's looking for something ♪

668
00:22:05,327 --> 00:22:09,378
♪ Step right up and tell
me what it's all about ♪

669
00:22:09,378 --> 00:22:13,544
♪ Well, don't you worry bout nothin' ♪

670
00:22:13,544 --> 00:22:17,678
♪ If you see what you like,
I'm sure we'll work it out ♪

671
00:22:17,678 --> 00:22:19,500
♪ I come and see you on Sundays ♪

672
00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:21,511
(gentle upbeat music)

673
00:22:21,511 --> 00:22:25,357
♪ East side, West Side, uptown or down ♪

674
00:22:25,357 --> 00:22:29,780
♪ And all your problems will disappear ♪

675
00:22:29,780 --> 00:22:33,456
♪ When you lay your money down ♪

676
00:22:33,456 --> 00:22:36,030
(sings in foreign language)

677
00:22:36,030 --> 00:22:37,413
♪ Let's make a deal, man ♪

678
00:22:37,413 --> 00:22:39,751
(sings in foreign language)

679
00:22:39,751 --> 00:22:41,133
- Hey.

680
00:22:41,133 --> 00:22:41,966
- Oh hey.

681
00:22:42,941 --> 00:22:45,600
Hey, how are you doing?

682
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:46,433
- Good, good.

683
00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:47,329
How are you?

684
00:22:47,329 --> 00:22:48,621
- Yeah, good.

685
00:22:48,621 --> 00:22:49,454
Good, good.

686
00:22:49,454 --> 00:22:50,287
- Good.

687
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:51,723
- You look good.

688
00:22:52,710 --> 00:22:54,840
- God thanks.

689
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:55,923
- No, no, no, really.

690
00:22:57,750 --> 00:23:00,120
- So, what, you were lying the first time?

691
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:01,350
- What?

692
00:23:01,350 --> 00:23:03,390
No, no, no, no, you got that fresh,

693
00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:06,690
Sunday morning, read the paper,
cup of coffee kinda look.

694
00:23:06,690 --> 00:23:07,701
- Yeah, and here I
thought I had that stale,

695
00:23:07,701 --> 00:23:10,833
Sunday morning hangover, choke
on my own vomit thing going.

696
00:23:11,707 --> 00:23:14,374
(both laughing)

697
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,550
- What are you here for?

698
00:23:17,550 --> 00:23:19,860
You looking for anything in particular?

699
00:23:19,860 --> 00:23:20,820
- Yeah, yeah, actually,

700
00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:23,160
I'm looking for a vintage Martini set.

701
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:27,000
You know, the shaker and the
glasses and the whole thing.

702
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:27,833
- Huh.

703
00:23:29,130 --> 00:23:29,963
- How about you?

704
00:23:29,963 --> 00:23:32,460
You just browsing?

705
00:23:32,460 --> 00:23:33,780
- Me, are you kidding?

706
00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:34,830
I go nuts.

707
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:37,293
I have to look for one
thing and just one thing.

708
00:23:38,408 --> 00:23:40,050
- And that would be what?

709
00:23:40,050 --> 00:23:40,883
- Hmm?

710
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,070
A bathroom, actually.

711
00:23:44,070 --> 00:23:44,940
Shit, they probably don't have

712
00:23:44,940 --> 00:23:46,110
bathrooms at a place like this, right.

713
00:23:46,110 --> 00:23:47,190
Probably just porta-potties.

714
00:23:47,190 --> 00:23:48,030
God, I hate those.

715
00:23:48,030 --> 00:23:49,410
You know, my parents had
to rent like four of them

716
00:23:49,410 --> 00:23:50,810
for my sister's bat mitzvah.

717
00:23:51,810 --> 00:23:52,643
- Come on.

718
00:23:52,643 --> 00:23:54,360
You didn't come here
looking for a bathroom.

719
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:55,193
- I didn't?

720
00:24:00,976 --> 00:24:04,680
Okay, I'm looking for an
original Cornelius action figure,

721
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,266
you know, from, "Planet of the Apes?"

722
00:24:06,266 --> 00:24:08,490
(Tom laughing)

723
00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:10,350
- What, you're yanking my chain, right?

724
00:24:10,350 --> 00:24:11,670
- Yeah, actually, no I'm not.

725
00:24:11,670 --> 00:24:13,770
And I really hate that expression.

726
00:24:13,770 --> 00:24:14,670
But you know, it was good seeing you.

727
00:24:14,670 --> 00:24:15,503
I'll see you around.

728
00:24:15,503 --> 00:24:16,336
- No, no, no, don't.

729
00:24:16,336 --> 00:24:17,760
Come on, come on, grow a
sense of humor, will ya?

730
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:18,593
I'm not,

731
00:24:18,593 --> 00:24:19,426
you're funny.

732
00:24:19,426 --> 00:24:20,259
I'm not laughing at.

733
00:24:20,259 --> 00:24:23,040
No, not funny bad, you're funny good.

734
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:23,873
Funny good.

735
00:24:23,873 --> 00:24:27,090
Look, why don't we go
grab a cup of coffee,

736
00:24:27,090 --> 00:24:28,980
and then I'll help you
go look for your dolly.

737
00:24:28,980 --> 00:24:29,850
- Action figure.

738
00:24:29,850 --> 00:24:31,890
- So, is it just the apes or
do you have Betsy Wetsy, too?

739
00:24:31,890 --> 00:24:32,850
Because Jackie didn't tell me

740
00:24:32,850 --> 00:24:33,810
that you were a doll collector.

741
00:24:33,810 --> 00:24:34,643
- Interesting.

742
00:24:34,643 --> 00:24:35,892
You know, Brett didn't tell
me you were an asshole.

743
00:24:35,892 --> 00:24:39,000
(both laughing)

744
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,973
- Speaking of which,
what's up with those two?

745
00:24:43,612 --> 00:24:45,862
(gentle upbeat music)

746
00:24:45,862 --> 00:24:47,316
(door knocking)

747
00:24:47,316 --> 00:24:50,483
(gentle upbeat music)

748
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:53,753
- Hi.

749
00:24:53,753 --> 00:24:54,586
- Hi.
- Hi.

750
00:24:54,586 --> 00:24:59,417
- So I thought you should
know, they hated each other.

751
00:25:01,290 --> 00:25:02,123
- Oh.

752
00:25:02,123 --> 00:25:04,558
Oh right, more than life itself, yeah.

753
00:25:04,558 --> 00:25:07,500
(gentle upbeat music)

754
00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:09,956
- No, no, no fucking chemistry.

755
00:25:09,956 --> 00:25:11,949
(gentle upbeat music)

756
00:25:11,949 --> 00:25:13,369
(birds chirping)

757
00:25:13,369 --> 00:25:16,536
(gentle upbeat music)

758
00:25:20,765 --> 00:25:22,350
- I had the biggest, "Planet
of the Apes" collection

759
00:25:22,350 --> 00:25:23,880
until, like, the sixth
grade, when my parents

760
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,860
made me sell it at a garage sale.

761
00:25:25,860 --> 00:25:27,660
They were afraid it was
going to adversely affect

762
00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:29,463
my psychosexual development.

763
00:25:30,390 --> 00:25:31,950
They're both shrinks.

764
00:25:31,950 --> 00:25:32,880
- Well, did it?

765
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:33,713
- What?

766
00:25:33,713 --> 00:25:35,670
- Affect your psycho, whatever?

767
00:25:35,670 --> 00:25:37,200
- Well, I'm gay, aren't I?

768
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:38,700
- Oh, so the apes made you gay?

769
00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:39,533
- I don't know.

770
00:25:39,533 --> 00:25:41,220
- What is that, the ape theory?

771
00:25:41,220 --> 00:25:44,370
- Well, you've got a half-naked
Charlton Heston in a cage.

772
00:25:44,370 --> 00:25:45,203
- Where he belongs.

773
00:25:45,203 --> 00:25:46,036
- Yeah, right.

774
00:25:46,036 --> 00:25:47,640
Plus my huge crush on Roddy McDowell

775
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,650
and those cute, little leather outfits.

776
00:25:49,650 --> 00:25:52,143
That, my friend, is a
gay, pre-teen happy meal.

777
00:25:53,370 --> 00:25:54,730
- Do you have any Martini sets?

778
00:25:54,730 --> 00:25:55,821
- No, afraid not.

779
00:25:55,821 --> 00:25:56,654
- You know, I've got to admit,

780
00:25:56,654 --> 00:25:58,470
I don't even know what a
Martini set looks like.

781
00:25:58,470 --> 00:26:00,780
I wouldn't know a Martini
if it bit me in the ass.

782
00:26:00,780 --> 00:26:02,401
- No, it shouldn't if you
know how to make them.

783
00:26:02,401 --> 00:26:04,410
- I take it you do.

784
00:26:04,410 --> 00:26:05,850
- In my house, you had to.

785
00:26:05,850 --> 00:26:07,170
I couldn't tie my shoes 'til I was 10,

786
00:26:07,170 --> 00:26:08,730
but I can make a Martini.

787
00:26:08,730 --> 00:26:12,020
I was like Isaac on our
sinking little love boat.

788
00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:14,850
(parents laughing)

789
00:26:14,850 --> 00:26:16,050
- Thank you, sweetheart.

790
00:26:17,490 --> 00:26:19,110
This is perfect.

791
00:26:19,110 --> 00:26:24,060
So, Tommy, have you met any
nice girls at school this year?

792
00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:26,130
- Yeah, they're nice.

793
00:26:26,130 --> 00:26:27,090
- Hey.

794
00:26:27,090 --> 00:26:28,913
You give any thought to
what we talked about?

795
00:26:28,913 --> 00:26:30,480
- None of the other fifth graders

796
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,130
know what they're going
to do after high school.

797
00:26:32,130 --> 00:26:34,890
- And what do I care about a
bunch of pansy fifth graders

798
00:26:34,890 --> 00:26:36,640
with silver spoons in their mouths?

799
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,870
- I sort of like the idea of teaching.

800
00:26:39,870 --> 00:26:41,073
Teaching sounds good.

801
00:26:43,290 --> 00:26:45,141
- That's terrific, honey.

802
00:26:45,141 --> 00:26:47,160
(mother laughing)

803
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,670
- I can't remember them
without a drink in their hand.

804
00:26:50,670 --> 00:26:51,600
You know, when my father

805
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,616
used to pitch baseballs
to me in the backyard.

806
00:26:53,616 --> 00:26:54,449
- Mm-hmm.

807
00:26:54,449 --> 00:26:55,563
- He never spilt a drop.

808
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,410
- Oh, my God, I can't even imagine.

809
00:26:58,410 --> 00:26:59,760
- So your parents didn't drink?

810
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,250
- No, we never played
games in the backyard.

811
00:27:02,250 --> 00:27:03,420
- Never?

812
00:27:03,420 --> 00:27:04,980
- First of all, we didn't have a backyard.

813
00:27:04,980 --> 00:27:08,010
And second of all, the
closest we ever came to a game

814
00:27:08,010 --> 00:27:09,723
was The Feel Wheel.

815
00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:13,590
- Rage is at the top.

816
00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:18,373
Then we move down to frustration,
confusion, loneliness.

817
00:27:19,250 --> 00:27:24,250
On the other side, we have
loving, affectionate, silly.

818
00:27:24,510 --> 00:27:27,090
- Okay, Eli, you go first.

819
00:27:27,090 --> 00:27:30,060
Take your name and put it on the emotion

820
00:27:30,060 --> 00:27:31,140
you're feeling right now.

821
00:27:31,140 --> 00:27:33,030
- That's right, Eli,
don't think, look inside.

822
00:27:33,030 --> 00:27:33,863
What are you feeling?

823
00:27:33,863 --> 00:27:34,757
- Right now, go.

824
00:27:34,757 --> 00:27:35,734
- Don't think,

825
00:27:35,734 --> 00:27:36,567
go, go.

826
00:27:37,967 --> 00:27:38,910
Go.

827
00:27:38,910 --> 00:27:41,040
- Do I have to, Dr. Wyckoff?

828
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:42,963
- [Ellen] Can you do it for mommy?

829
00:27:44,300 --> 00:27:46,533
♪ And amuse me ♪

830
00:27:46,533 --> 00:27:49,129
(gentle upbeat music)

831
00:27:49,129 --> 00:27:50,854
♪ When you answer the
door, pick up the phone ♪

832
00:27:50,854 --> 00:27:52,153
♪ You won't find me 'cause
I'm not coming home ♪

833
00:27:52,153 --> 00:27:54,967
- You'd just be walking
along and then you'd think

834
00:27:54,967 --> 00:27:55,860
"Gee, I feel happy"

835
00:27:55,860 --> 00:27:57,630
and then you'd put your
little flag on the wheel?

836
00:27:57,630 --> 00:27:58,470
- No, no.

837
00:27:58,470 --> 00:28:02,040
It's just Something my
parents wanted us to do,

838
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,190
so that they would feel more enlightened.

839
00:28:04,190 --> 00:28:05,250
(Tom laughing)

840
00:28:05,250 --> 00:28:08,670
Like getting us to say penis
and vagina at the dinner table.

841
00:28:08,670 --> 00:28:09,960
You know, so that we
would feel comfortable

842
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,480
talking about sex, which is probably why

843
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,880
now I prefer pee-pee and hoo-hoo.

844
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,220
- More pee-pee than hoo-hoo, I'd imagine.

845
00:28:17,220 --> 00:28:18,053
- Does it show?

846
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:23,790
I don't think that game would
have been a hit in my house,

847
00:28:23,790 --> 00:28:27,060
unless there was a section
on the wheel for thirsty.

848
00:28:27,060 --> 00:28:30,030
- Well, there was a section
on the wheel for scared.

849
00:28:30,030 --> 00:28:34,271
But you'd have had to
share that one with me.

850
00:28:34,271 --> 00:28:36,854
(gentle music)

851
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,110
- Hey, no chance on the Eli and Tom thing.

852
00:28:52,110 --> 00:28:52,943
That's.

853
00:28:52,943 --> 00:28:54,360
- Oh, what a pain.

854
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:55,800
The gays are so picky.

855
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,423
- No, no, no, no, it's
Eli, I'm telling you.

856
00:28:57,423 --> 00:28:59,760
He's got the worst DK on the planet.

857
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:01,020
- Donna Karan?

858
00:29:01,020 --> 00:29:03,240
- No, dating karma.

859
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:04,073
- Oh.
- Yeah.

860
00:29:04,073 --> 00:29:05,190
No, it sucks.

861
00:29:05,190 --> 00:29:06,900
He told me that A, he thinks he,

862
00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:08,580
like, insulted Tom a hundred times,

863
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:10,856
and B, that he's, you know, straight.

864
00:29:10,856 --> 00:29:11,689
(Jackie laughing)

865
00:29:11,689 --> 00:29:12,522
Yeah.

866
00:29:12,522 --> 00:29:14,820
- Okay, so now, Tom is just a freak.

867
00:29:14,820 --> 00:29:17,430
You know, he officially
hates any guy that he likes.

868
00:29:17,430 --> 00:29:19,680
Or worse, who likes him.

869
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:20,820
- What, dude?

870
00:29:20,820 --> 00:29:24,240
- Yeah, well, welcome to the
wonderful world of self-hate.

871
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:25,503
And he's not even Jewish.

872
00:29:27,420 --> 00:29:29,820
- What on God's earth is this?

873
00:29:29,820 --> 00:29:31,320
I mean, honestly, that's the ugliest thing

874
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:32,223
I've ever seen in my entire life.

875
00:29:32,223 --> 00:29:34,542
(Jackie laughing)

876
00:29:34,542 --> 00:29:37,292
(birds chirping)

877
00:29:51,630 --> 00:29:54,797
(lamp shade clanking)

878
00:29:55,701 --> 00:29:56,970
- Morning.

879
00:29:56,970 --> 00:29:58,602
- Morning.

880
00:29:58,602 --> 00:30:01,530
- What's the hurry?

881
00:30:01,530 --> 00:30:02,490
- Oh, you know what?

882
00:30:02,490 --> 00:30:05,880
Today is decoupage day at
school, and I'm late, so.

883
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:07,023
- Oh, okay.

884
00:30:08,143 --> 00:30:12,930
- Listen, I just I want
to apologize for yesterday

885
00:30:12,930 --> 00:30:14,293
and last night.

886
00:30:14,293 --> 00:30:15,893
It just shouldn't have happened.

887
00:30:17,340 --> 00:30:18,420
- Oh.

888
00:30:18,420 --> 00:30:20,317
- I mean, I feel like we got
off to a really good start,

889
00:30:20,317 --> 00:30:23,880
but then I feel like I
kind of fucked things up,

890
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:25,880
so I promise it won't ever happen again.

891
00:30:26,790 --> 00:30:27,623
- Good.

892
00:30:27,623 --> 00:30:29,280
Yeah.

893
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:30,180
We shouldn't have.

894
00:30:31,470 --> 00:30:33,990
Anyway, it was both of our faults, so.

895
00:30:33,990 --> 00:30:35,013
- No, no, well, yeah.

896
00:30:35,013 --> 00:30:37,563
So, you know, let's just
pretend it never happened.

897
00:30:38,610 --> 00:30:39,510
- Perfect.

898
00:30:39,510 --> 00:30:40,350
- Great.

899
00:30:40,350 --> 00:30:41,430
All right.

900
00:30:41,430 --> 00:30:42,380
I'll see you later.

901
00:30:44,586 --> 00:30:47,836
(gentle upbeat music)

902
00:30:56,296 --> 00:30:57,129
Hey.

903
00:30:57,129 --> 00:30:57,962
- How you doing?

904
00:30:57,962 --> 00:31:01,129
(gentle upbeat music)

905
00:31:09,572 --> 00:31:12,489
(internet beeping)

906
00:31:17,924 --> 00:31:20,219
(keyboard keys clacking)

907
00:31:20,219 --> 00:31:23,469
(gentle upbeat music)

908
00:31:36,660 --> 00:31:37,493
- I don't know.

909
00:31:37,493 --> 00:31:39,582
We had a great time, I don't get it.

910
00:31:39,582 --> 00:31:42,925
- Looked to me like you did
get it something called laid.

911
00:31:42,925 --> 00:31:44,610
(both laughing)

912
00:31:44,610 --> 00:31:46,860
- You know, FYI, gay
guys don't necessarily

913
00:31:46,860 --> 00:31:49,050
play the same bases as straight guys do.

914
00:31:49,050 --> 00:31:50,760
- It's still fucking, dude.

915
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,530
- Hello, gentlemen.

916
00:31:52,530 --> 00:31:54,030
- You don't mind if the
brother hangs out, do you?

917
00:31:54,030 --> 00:31:55,560
I had him fixed.

918
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,420
- Do I have a choice?

919
00:31:57,420 --> 00:31:58,500
I don't get the double standard.

920
00:31:58,500 --> 00:32:00,240
You know, guys can do all
kinds of things with women,

921
00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:02,250
and they won't call it sex
unless they actually fuck.

922
00:32:02,250 --> 00:32:03,450
You know, like sex with interns.

923
00:32:03,450 --> 00:32:05,100
- Listen, I'm not judging you.

924
00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:06,167
You know, it's just sex, man.

925
00:32:06,167 --> 00:32:07,230
- I'm not being defensive.

926
00:32:07,230 --> 00:32:08,490
I'm trying to explain to you that a guy

927
00:32:08,490 --> 00:32:09,570
can get together with another guy

928
00:32:09,570 --> 00:32:12,510
and do all kinds of things
without necessarily, you know.

929
00:32:12,510 --> 00:32:14,580
- Right, good, that's enough.

930
00:32:14,580 --> 00:32:15,540
- It's a big step.

931
00:32:15,540 --> 00:32:16,680
I know couples who have never

932
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,246
and probably will never actually.

933
00:32:18,246 --> 00:32:19,688
- NT, new topic.

934
00:32:19,688 --> 00:32:20,670
- What?

935
00:32:20,670 --> 00:32:21,503
What is with you?

936
00:32:21,503 --> 00:32:22,740
You were never this squeamish in college.

937
00:32:22,740 --> 00:32:24,180
- That's because you were dating women.

938
00:32:24,180 --> 00:32:25,050
- Yeah, well, it's the same thing

939
00:32:25,050 --> 00:32:26,430
if you don't count the vaginas.

940
00:32:26,430 --> 00:32:28,320
- Oof, I count 'em.

941
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,480
Four so far.

942
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:31,740
- Okay, you know what, Mitch?

943
00:32:31,740 --> 00:32:33,690
Doesn't count if they
have inflate nozzles.

944
00:32:33,690 --> 00:32:34,980
- Hey, look man, it's not like, you know,

945
00:32:34,980 --> 00:32:39,090
you picked him up at
ye olde cock and balls

946
00:32:39,090 --> 00:32:41,430
and got out the butter
spray and the choke collar

947
00:32:41,430 --> 00:32:42,263
and the whole thing.

948
00:32:42,263 --> 00:32:43,830
I mean, you spent an
afternoon together, right?

949
00:32:43,830 --> 00:32:45,990
I mean, obviously he likes you.

950
00:32:45,990 --> 00:32:46,823
- Right.

951
00:32:48,870 --> 00:32:49,860
Fuck.

952
00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:50,693
These are new.

953
00:32:50,693 --> 00:32:51,526
- What's the matter?

954
00:32:51,526 --> 00:32:52,359
Are you cranky?

955
00:32:52,359 --> 00:32:53,220
- You know, I don't
want to do this anymore.

956
00:32:53,220 --> 00:32:54,053
That's fine.

957
00:32:54,053 --> 00:32:54,886
That's great.

958
00:32:54,886 --> 00:32:55,719
- Okay.

959
00:32:55,719 --> 00:32:56,760
Well, you did a terrific job.

960
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:58,974
Hey, listen, what are you
doing on Friday night?

961
00:32:58,974 --> 00:33:00,900
Are you going to go out with the guy?

962
00:33:00,900 --> 00:33:01,733
- I don't know.

963
00:33:01,733 --> 00:33:02,566
Why, did Jackie say something?

964
00:33:02,566 --> 00:33:04,260
- I don't know, but if
you're coming Friday night,

965
00:33:04,260 --> 00:33:05,093
she can tell you herself.

966
00:33:05,093 --> 00:33:05,926
- Yeah, no, I'm not doing that.

967
00:33:05,926 --> 00:33:06,930
That's so seventh grade.

968
00:33:06,930 --> 00:33:08,130
- Well, you'll catch up.

969
00:33:09,090 --> 00:33:09,923
Huh?

970
00:33:09,923 --> 00:33:10,920
- Did she invite Tom?

971
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:11,970
- No.

972
00:33:11,970 --> 00:33:12,803
It's just us.

973
00:33:12,803 --> 00:33:13,636
It will be fine.

974
00:33:13,636 --> 00:33:15,780
Seven o'clock, Friday night, all right?

975
00:33:15,780 --> 00:33:16,650
- All right fine.

976
00:33:16,650 --> 00:33:17,483
Take this.

977
00:33:17,483 --> 00:33:19,294
- Have a Valerian or something.

978
00:33:19,294 --> 00:33:20,644
Take a nap.

979
00:33:20,644 --> 00:33:21,477
- He's too intense.

980
00:33:21,477 --> 00:33:22,380
You know, I like him as a friend, but.

981
00:33:22,380 --> 00:33:23,310
- Bullshit.

982
00:33:23,310 --> 00:33:26,910
That is just fear of intimacy,
which by the way is so 1991.

983
00:33:26,910 --> 00:33:27,743
Pause.

984
00:33:29,130 --> 00:33:29,970
Marie?

985
00:33:29,970 --> 00:33:30,803
- Yeah.

986
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:32,880
- Put the headphones on.

987
00:33:33,930 --> 00:33:36,450
The headphones, there you go.

988
00:33:36,450 --> 00:33:41,160
Nice, Marie, but I need more
smile and less sell, okay.

989
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:41,993
Have fun.

990
00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:44,640
- Okay, great, fun.

991
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,530
All right, good, topnotch.

992
00:33:46,530 --> 00:33:47,363
Thanks.

993
00:33:47,363 --> 00:33:48,660
- The way you did in
the audition, remember?

994
00:33:48,660 --> 00:33:49,863
The reason we hired you.

995
00:33:50,850 --> 00:33:51,683
- Right.

996
00:33:51,683 --> 00:33:52,516
Absolutely.

997
00:33:52,516 --> 00:33:53,349
Yes.

998
00:33:53,349 --> 00:33:54,273
Good note.

999
00:33:54,273 --> 00:33:55,106
Really good note.

1000
00:33:55,106 --> 00:33:55,939
- Great.

1001
00:33:57,187 --> 00:34:00,577
- "New vita-power energy bars
with tasty, chewy goodness

1002
00:34:00,577 --> 00:34:01,710
"in every bite."

1003
00:34:01,710 --> 00:34:04,146
- I'm just glad you met a guy
with half a brain in his head.

1004
00:34:04,146 --> 00:34:05,934
- Oh, wait, let me find the love in that.

1005
00:34:05,934 --> 00:34:07,337
Oh, right, there is none.

1006
00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:08,430
(Jackie laughing)

1007
00:34:08,430 --> 00:34:10,710
- Hey, I'm not the one who
fell in love with a guy

1008
00:34:10,710 --> 00:34:12,780
who could only get a job
selling sperm samples

1009
00:34:12,780 --> 00:34:14,910
and doing experimental drug research.

1010
00:34:14,910 --> 00:34:16,080
Wasn't he allergic?

1011
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,510
- Yes, but he was cute, and you know it.

1012
00:34:18,510 --> 00:34:20,107
- Yeah, when the hives cleared up.

1013
00:34:20,107 --> 00:34:23,910
- "During and after your
living and giving life."

1014
00:34:23,910 --> 00:34:24,743
- Pause.

1015
00:34:25,710 --> 00:34:26,543
Sweetie?

1016
00:34:26,543 --> 00:34:27,376
- Yeah.

1017
00:34:27,376 --> 00:34:28,410
- What are you doing?

1018
00:34:28,410 --> 00:34:30,183
You're not Kathleen Turner, okay?

1019
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:32,790
- No, I'm not.

1020
00:34:32,790 --> 00:34:34,050
I'm not Kathleen Turner.

1021
00:34:34,050 --> 00:34:35,340
That's right.

1022
00:34:35,340 --> 00:34:36,240
Yeah, I'm me.

1023
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:37,170
Is that what you're saying?

1024
00:34:37,170 --> 00:34:38,009
I should be me.

1025
00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:39,060
- No.

1026
00:34:39,060 --> 00:34:40,170
What I'm saying is

1027
00:34:40,170 --> 00:34:42,120
that this isn't Blue Cross Blue Shield.

1028
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:43,320
It's an energy snack,

1029
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,290
so why don't we have some,
I don't know, energy?

1030
00:34:46,290 --> 00:34:47,760
- Energy yes, of course.

1031
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,200
Okay, you're right.

1032
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,590
All right, because it's
vita-power, and vita means life.

1033
00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:54,330
Okay, now, correct me if I'm wrong,

1034
00:34:54,330 --> 00:34:56,908
my intention should be to have,

1035
00:34:56,908 --> 00:35:01,908
no, to give more life, except as a bar.

1036
00:35:02,250 --> 00:35:04,170
But, Jackie, my concern

1037
00:35:04,170 --> 00:35:06,207
is that I'm going to be over the top.

1038
00:35:06,207 --> 00:35:07,140
(Jackie laughing)

1039
00:35:07,140 --> 00:35:07,973
- No.

1040
00:35:07,973 --> 00:35:10,800
Honey, you're so under the top right now

1041
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:13,470
it's like you're selling
me a douche, okay,

1042
00:35:13,470 --> 00:35:14,790
I'm getting you on the beach

1043
00:35:14,790 --> 00:35:16,200
in a floral-print dress

1044
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:18,060
talking about feminine freshness.

1045
00:35:18,060 --> 00:35:19,410
Is that the read you're going for?

1046
00:35:19,410 --> 00:35:20,610
- No, that's not.

1047
00:35:20,610 --> 00:35:22,230
Those were good word pictures.

1048
00:35:22,230 --> 00:35:24,990
Okay, just translate them for what I need.

1049
00:35:24,990 --> 00:35:26,850
Okay, good.

1050
00:35:26,850 --> 00:35:28,080
Yeah, I can do this.

1051
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:29,530
I'm just going to keep going.

1052
00:35:30,630 --> 00:35:31,890
- You are so mean.

1053
00:35:31,890 --> 00:35:33,300
You're not even listening to her.

1054
00:35:33,300 --> 00:35:34,230
- Yes, I am.

1055
00:35:34,230 --> 00:35:35,820
She thinks she's doing books on tape.

1056
00:35:35,820 --> 00:35:36,780
- I think she's good.

1057
00:35:36,780 --> 00:35:38,700
- Well, don't change the subject.

1058
00:35:38,700 --> 00:35:40,080
Brett and I are cooking
dinner on Friday night.

1059
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:40,913
- Ha.

1060
00:35:40,913 --> 00:35:41,820
What are you having?

1061
00:35:41,820 --> 00:35:43,070
- Shut up, you're coming.

1062
00:35:44,430 --> 00:35:45,900
- Is he invited?

1063
00:35:45,900 --> 00:35:47,343
- No, just you.

1064
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:49,313
Pause.

1065
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:51,723
That's it, go home.

1066
00:35:52,710 --> 00:35:54,300
- You want me to go?

1067
00:35:54,300 --> 00:35:55,620
I should go home?

1068
00:35:55,620 --> 00:35:56,910
- No, you're incredible.

1069
00:35:56,910 --> 00:35:59,130
I mean, that voice,
don't even kid yourself,

1070
00:35:59,130 --> 00:36:00,960
you're going to have a huge career.

1071
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:03,060
- Oh, okay.

1072
00:36:03,060 --> 00:36:04,020
I thought.

1073
00:36:04,020 --> 00:36:04,853
Thank you.

1074
00:36:04,853 --> 00:36:05,790
Well, thanks to you.

1075
00:36:05,790 --> 00:36:08,957
(gentle upbeat music)

1076
00:36:14,439 --> 00:36:16,107
(car engine revving)

1077
00:36:16,107 --> 00:36:19,357
(gentle upbeat music)

1078
00:36:21,630 --> 00:36:23,043
- Jackie's a piece of work.

1079
00:36:25,170 --> 00:36:26,973
- Brett's a lying sack of shit.

1080
00:36:29,580 --> 00:36:30,413
- You look good.

1081
00:36:31,260 --> 00:36:32,280
I have no idea who this is.

1082
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:33,113
I'm gonna kill you.

1083
00:36:33,113 --> 00:36:34,260
If this is a sports
figure, I'm gonna kill you.

1084
00:36:34,260 --> 00:36:35,093
Jaleel White.

1085
00:36:35,093 --> 00:36:35,926
- No, no.

1086
00:36:35,926 --> 00:36:37,050
- Elie Wiesel.

1087
00:36:37,050 --> 00:36:37,920
- You're actually not my partner.

1088
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:38,820
Okay, come on, go, go, go.

1089
00:36:38,820 --> 00:36:40,740
- What is it about this look
that makes you think I know?

1090
00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:42,630
- Come on, all right, pass, pass, pass.

1091
00:36:42,630 --> 00:36:43,979
Okay, this one.

1092
00:36:43,979 --> 00:36:44,812
Oh, fuck, open.

1093
00:36:44,812 --> 00:36:47,727
Okay, the ex-football player
who allegedly killed his wife.

1094
00:36:47,727 --> 00:36:50,550
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
"Allegedly" what are you, nuts?

1095
00:36:50,550 --> 00:36:51,383
- Just say it.

1096
00:36:51,383 --> 00:36:52,216
- O.J. Simpson.

1097
00:36:52,216 --> 00:36:53,250
- Yes.

1098
00:36:53,250 --> 00:36:56,670
- That's like saying Jackie
allegedly got a nose job.

1099
00:36:56,670 --> 00:36:57,503
- Shut up.

1100
00:36:57,503 --> 00:36:58,336
- Both of you shut up, okay?

1101
00:36:58,336 --> 00:37:01,533
All right, this one the
first name rhymes with this.

1102
00:37:03,870 --> 00:37:06,330
- Okay, could you never,
ever do that again?

1103
00:37:06,330 --> 00:37:07,500
- Just say it.

1104
00:37:07,500 --> 00:37:09,120
- Time, time, time, time.

1105
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:11,310
- Brett, is it maybe time?

1106
00:37:11,310 --> 00:37:12,254
- What the fuck was that?

1107
00:37:12,254 --> 00:37:13,530
- I bet you it was one of Brett's.

1108
00:37:13,530 --> 00:37:15,600
They're so hard because he's so smart.

1109
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:16,680
- Apparently not smart enough

1110
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:18,120
to know that you had a nose job.

1111
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:19,342
- What, I told you about that.

1112
00:37:19,342 --> 00:37:20,820
- No, you didn't.

1113
00:37:20,820 --> 00:37:21,780
- So what's the diff?

1114
00:37:21,780 --> 00:37:23,490
- Come on, Brett, like you couldn't tell.

1115
00:37:23,490 --> 00:37:25,140
Every Jewish teenage girl with money

1116
00:37:25,140 --> 00:37:25,993
winds up with that nose.

1117
00:37:25,993 --> 00:37:27,000
(all laughing)

1118
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,100
- Don't you think it's, like,
a little bit weird, though,

1119
00:37:29,100 --> 00:37:31,750
that everyone on the planet
knows but your boyfriend?

1120
00:37:33,900 --> 00:37:35,460
- Seriously, Eli, who was that?

1121
00:37:35,460 --> 00:37:37,740
- Okay, well, I was doing the hula, so.

1122
00:37:37,740 --> 00:37:40,173
- I mean, it's a little strange, right?

1123
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:42,473
- Okay.

1124
00:37:42,473 --> 00:37:43,920
They used to call me the jackal.

1125
00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:45,390
All right, so I got a nose job.

1126
00:37:45,390 --> 00:37:46,800
Are you happy now?

1127
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:49,215
- All right, I give up,
what rhymes with hula?

1128
00:37:49,215 --> 00:37:50,220
- Wow, the jackal.

1129
00:37:50,220 --> 00:37:51,720
That's brutal.

1130
00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:53,220
- You're being a jerk.

1131
00:37:53,220 --> 00:37:54,630
- Yeah, but I'm being an honest jerk,

1132
00:37:54,630 --> 00:37:55,583
so that counts for something, I think.

1133
00:37:55,583 --> 00:37:57,120
(all laughing)

1134
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,130
- Oh, wait, shh, you hear that?

1135
00:37:59,130 --> 00:38:00,817
That's the sound of you
not getting laid tonight.

1136
00:38:00,817 --> 00:38:03,834
(all laughing)

1137
00:38:03,834 --> 00:38:04,667
- Oh, that's wonderful.

1138
00:38:04,667 --> 00:38:05,700
Did you guys hear that?

1139
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:07,351
That was the sound of
Jackie being a bitch.

1140
00:38:07,351 --> 00:38:08,184
Did you guys hear that?

1141
00:38:08,184 --> 00:38:09,540
- Yeah, I did hear that.

1142
00:38:09,540 --> 00:38:10,438
- [Jackie] Well, what do you want from me?

1143
00:38:10,438 --> 00:38:11,271
- I don't know.

1144
00:38:11,271 --> 00:38:12,494
How about a little honesty, you know.

1145
00:38:12,494 --> 00:38:13,327
- Oh, come on.

1146
00:38:13,327 --> 00:38:14,160
You know what?

1147
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,140
The self-pity bus stops right
in front of my building, pal.

1148
00:38:16,140 --> 00:38:16,973
Don't miss it.

1149
00:38:16,973 --> 00:38:17,806
- Oh yeah.

1150
00:38:17,806 --> 00:38:19,415
Well, maybe I'll get on the
self-pity bus, you know,

1151
00:38:19,415 --> 00:38:21,870
maybe I'll get a transfer.

1152
00:38:21,870 --> 00:38:22,703
- Okay, you know what?

1153
00:38:22,703 --> 00:38:23,760
Can we get out of here

1154
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,560
before they start looking like my parents?

1155
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:26,393
- Fine with me.

1156
00:38:26,393 --> 00:38:27,226
- All right.

1157
00:38:27,226 --> 00:38:28,552
Your place?

1158
00:38:28,552 --> 00:38:30,441
- Yeah, okay.

1159
00:38:30,441 --> 00:38:31,440
We can take one.
- Oh, hey, hey.

1160
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,153
Was that Tallulah Bankhead?

1161
00:38:34,290 --> 00:38:35,220
- No, no.

1162
00:38:35,220 --> 00:38:36,738
Rula Lenska.

1163
00:38:36,738 --> 00:38:37,905
- Rula Lenska.

1164
00:38:40,437 --> 00:38:42,332
Who the fuck is Rula Lenska?

1165
00:38:42,332 --> 00:38:44,072
(gentle upbeat music)

1166
00:38:44,072 --> 00:38:45,422
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

1167
00:38:45,422 --> 00:38:47,556
- Oh, you're tickling me.

1168
00:38:47,556 --> 00:38:49,470
- Guess they made up.

1169
00:38:49,470 --> 00:38:51,232
- Hope she paid for Scotchgard.

1170
00:38:51,232 --> 00:38:52,715
(gentle upbeat music)

1171
00:38:52,715 --> 00:38:53,623
- Mm.

1172
00:38:53,623 --> 00:38:55,150
Oh, don't do that.

1173
00:38:55,150 --> 00:38:55,983
Ooh, not right now.

1174
00:38:55,983 --> 00:38:57,145
(gentle upbeat music)

1175
00:38:57,145 --> 00:39:01,200
(car engines revving)

1176
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:04,020
- Like when people say, ex
cetera, instead of et cetera.

1177
00:39:04,020 --> 00:39:05,760
What is that, ex cetera?

1178
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:06,720
Crazy.

1179
00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:10,380
Oh, my favorite is, "For
all intensive purposes."

1180
00:39:10,380 --> 00:39:11,213
That's like nuts.

1181
00:39:11,213 --> 00:39:14,160
It's like, you know what,
where'd you go to school?

1182
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:16,230
Are you sure you don't want a sandwich?

1183
00:39:16,230 --> 00:39:17,400
I mean, I don't know how
you could eat that food.

1184
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,560
No offense, but Jackie
can't cook for shit.

1185
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:21,180
No wonder Brett's losing weight.

1186
00:39:21,180 --> 00:39:22,590
- Hey, hey, hey Hollywood News.

1187
00:39:22,590 --> 00:39:24,058
Where's your section?

1188
00:39:24,058 --> 00:39:24,891
- Oh, no, you don't have to.

1189
00:39:24,891 --> 00:39:25,740
- Oh, come on, please.

1190
00:39:25,740 --> 00:39:27,360
- It's embarrassing.

1191
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:28,210
God, I mean it's.

1192
00:39:29,070 --> 00:39:29,903
Here, that's it right there.

1193
00:39:29,903 --> 00:39:30,902
But don't.

1194
00:39:30,902 --> 00:39:31,735
- Look at that, "Police Blotter.

1195
00:39:31,735 --> 00:39:32,813
"Edited by Eli Wyckoff."

1196
00:39:32,813 --> 00:39:34,657
- Yeah, I don't want you to.

1197
00:39:34,657 --> 00:39:39,157
- "Juan A. Mass, 35, arrested
early Sunday for DUI.

1198
00:39:39,157 --> 00:39:41,977
"Blood alcohol level was 2.1 when suspect

1199
00:39:41,977 --> 00:39:45,450
"was apprehinded by LAPD."

1200
00:39:45,450 --> 00:39:46,283
- What?

1201
00:39:46,283 --> 00:39:47,337
- It says, "Apprehinded."

1202
00:39:47,337 --> 00:39:48,170
- [Eli] No, it doesn't.

1203
00:39:48,170 --> 00:39:49,003
It's, "Apprehended."

1204
00:39:49,003 --> 00:39:50,730
- It says, "Apprehinded."

1205
00:39:50,730 --> 00:39:52,123
- Oh, my God.

1206
00:39:52,123 --> 00:39:52,956
Shit.

1207
00:39:52,956 --> 00:39:55,140
- To apprehind, that's when, what,

1208
00:39:55,140 --> 00:39:56,640
they grab the guy on the ass?

1209
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:57,473
- Goddamn.

1210
00:39:57,473 --> 00:39:58,860
I proofread this like a million times.

1211
00:39:58,860 --> 00:39:59,730
Oh, God.

1212
00:39:59,730 --> 00:40:01,350
- Relax.

1213
00:40:01,350 --> 00:40:02,183
- Fuck.

1214
00:40:02,183 --> 00:40:03,016
- Do you know what you need?

1215
00:40:03,016 --> 00:40:03,849
- Yeah, a new job, apparently.

1216
00:40:03,849 --> 00:40:04,950
- No, no, no, no.

1217
00:40:04,950 --> 00:40:06,180
You need a drink.

1218
00:40:06,180 --> 00:40:07,013
A drink.

1219
00:40:07,013 --> 00:40:08,190
A real drink.

1220
00:40:08,190 --> 00:40:09,295
Do you have any vodka?

1221
00:40:09,295 --> 00:40:10,293
- I don't know.

1222
00:40:11,550 --> 00:40:12,840
Is this vodka?

1223
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:14,608
I've had it since like 1947.

1224
00:40:14,608 --> 00:40:16,290
- [Tom] All right, do
you have Martini glasses?

1225
00:40:16,290 --> 00:40:17,820
- [Eli] Those are my Martini glasses.

1226
00:40:17,820 --> 00:40:19,140
And my juice glasses.

1227
00:40:19,140 --> 00:40:20,221
And my water glasses.

1228
00:40:20,221 --> 00:40:21,150
- All right, never mind.

1229
00:40:21,150 --> 00:40:21,983
They'll do.

1230
00:40:21,983 --> 00:40:23,070
I am going to introduce you

1231
00:40:23,070 --> 00:40:24,777
to the wonderful world of Martinis.

1232
00:40:24,777 --> 00:40:25,610
(gentle upbeat music)

1233
00:40:25,610 --> 00:40:27,195
(vodka bubbling)

1234
00:40:27,195 --> 00:40:29,951
(gentle upbeat music)

1235
00:40:29,951 --> 00:40:31,999
(vodka bubbling)

1236
00:40:31,999 --> 00:40:35,166
(gentle upbeat music)

1237
00:40:50,591 --> 00:40:51,549
(glasses clanking)

1238
00:40:51,549 --> 00:40:52,710
(telephone ringing)

1239
00:40:52,710 --> 00:40:53,543
No, no, no.

1240
00:40:53,543 --> 00:40:54,376
Screen, screen.

1241
00:40:54,376 --> 00:40:55,209
- No, no, let me get it.

1242
00:40:55,209 --> 00:40:56,042
- Come on, come on let the machine get it.

1243
00:40:56,042 --> 00:40:57,487
You know what, I bet you can't do it.

1244
00:40:57,487 --> 00:40:58,654
- I can do it.

1245
00:40:59,631 --> 00:41:00,589
- I dare you.

1246
00:41:00,589 --> 00:41:03,181
(telephone ringing)

1247
00:41:03,181 --> 00:41:04,014
- All right.

1248
00:41:04,014 --> 00:41:06,030
- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this
is Eli, leave a message.

1249
00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:07,230
- I got to get that
piece-of-shit machine fixed.

1250
00:41:07,230 --> 00:41:08,970
- [Ellen] Eli, this is Dr. Wyckoff,

1251
00:41:08,970 --> 00:41:09,803
there's something wrong with your machine.

1252
00:41:09,803 --> 00:41:10,980
- Who's that, your shrink?

1253
00:41:10,980 --> 00:41:12,060
- No, it's my mom.

1254
00:41:12,060 --> 00:41:13,470
- You refer to her as.
- It took her 12 years

1255
00:41:13,470 --> 00:41:14,303
to get her Ph.D.

1256
00:41:14,303 --> 00:41:15,510
She likes to hear herself say it, okay.

1257
00:41:15,510 --> 00:41:16,380
Now move.

1258
00:41:16,380 --> 00:41:17,213
- No.

1259
00:41:17,213 --> 00:41:18,046
- No, come on.

1260
00:41:18,046 --> 00:41:18,906
Move.

1261
00:41:18,906 --> 00:41:19,739
I'm serious.

1262
00:41:19,739 --> 00:41:20,572
It's not funny.

1263
00:41:20,572 --> 00:41:21,405
- Eli, I was just reading

1264
00:41:21,405 --> 00:41:22,238
the New England Journal of Medicine.

1265
00:41:22,238 --> 00:41:23,071
And there's a pull-out section

1266
00:41:23,071 --> 00:41:24,690
on the new TSE, Testicular Self-Exam

1267
00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:26,588
and how to make it part of your lifestyle.

1268
00:41:26,588 --> 00:41:27,421
- My god.

1269
00:41:27,421 --> 00:41:28,599
- This guy did the.
- Do you want to try it?

1270
00:41:28,599 --> 00:41:29,432
- No.

1271
00:41:29,432 --> 00:41:30,265
Come on.

1272
00:41:30,265 --> 00:41:31,098
God damn it.

1273
00:41:31,098 --> 00:41:31,931
I can't believe she.

1274
00:41:31,931 --> 00:41:33,120
- I faxed the diagram over to your office.

1275
00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:34,193
I put your name all over it.

1276
00:41:34,193 --> 00:41:35,796
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my God.

1277
00:41:35,796 --> 00:41:36,720
- Yeah.

1278
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:37,553
Don't listen.

1279
00:41:37,553 --> 00:41:38,420
- You know what?

1280
00:41:38,420 --> 00:41:39,253
- Don't listen.

1281
00:41:39,253 --> 00:41:40,472
- The hues just hit you right in the face.

1282
00:41:40,472 --> 00:41:42,833
You may want to give yourself
an exam while I read aloud.

1283
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:44,535
- I think we should do this exam together.

1284
00:41:44,535 --> 00:41:45,368
- Okay.

1285
00:41:45,368 --> 00:41:47,509
- Okay, let's take a deep breath together.

1286
00:41:47,509 --> 00:41:48,540
(Tom exhaling)

1287
00:41:48,540 --> 00:41:50,244
Okay, start by lifting the penis

1288
00:41:50,244 --> 00:41:51,134
to one side.
- It's not funny.

1289
00:41:51,134 --> 00:41:51,967
Oh, my God.

1290
00:41:51,967 --> 00:41:56,340
- Slowly roll the testicle
between the thumb and fingers,

1291
00:41:56,340 --> 00:41:58,670
applying slight pressure.

1292
00:41:58,670 --> 00:41:59,823
- Ow.

1293
00:42:00,900 --> 00:42:03,390
- Hello, mom, it's me.

1294
00:42:03,390 --> 00:42:04,560
- [Ellen] Who?

1295
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:05,400
- Eli.

1296
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:08,610
- Eli, oh, well, are we screening?

1297
00:42:08,610 --> 00:42:11,430
- Yeah, no, I wasn't,
actually, we just got in.

1298
00:42:11,430 --> 00:42:12,898
- We, mm-hmm.

1299
00:42:12,898 --> 00:42:14,277
What does that mean?

1300
00:42:14,277 --> 00:42:15,570
- [Eli] Can I call you back?

1301
00:42:15,570 --> 00:42:17,070
- [Eli Voiceover] Do we have company?

1302
00:42:17,070 --> 00:42:17,927
- Yes.

1303
00:42:17,927 --> 00:42:18,870
(Ellen laughing)

1304
00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:19,830
- [Ellen] Jewish?

1305
00:42:19,830 --> 00:42:20,910
- No, but.

1306
00:42:20,910 --> 00:42:21,840
- Cute?

1307
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:22,673
- [Eli] Will you stop?

1308
00:42:22,673 --> 00:42:23,506
- Wear a condom.

1309
00:42:23,506 --> 00:42:24,450
- Oh, God, mom, no.

1310
00:42:24,450 --> 00:42:25,283
It's not like.

1311
00:42:25,283 --> 00:42:26,427
- Did you hear the stuff about the TSE?

1312
00:42:26,427 --> 00:42:28,800
Did you hear what I was talking about?

1313
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,050
- Yeah, yeah, we both did.

1314
00:42:31,050 --> 00:42:31,883
Thanks.

1315
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,540
- Maybe you could both
do it together then.

1316
00:42:33,540 --> 00:42:35,130
Nothing wrong with helping each other

1317
00:42:35,130 --> 00:42:36,720
with a testicular exam.

1318
00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:37,553
- Mom.

1319
00:42:37,553 --> 00:42:38,400
- [Ellen] Don't be shy.

1320
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:39,690
- I got to call you later, okay?

1321
00:42:39,690 --> 00:42:41,430
- Wait, honey, please,
hold on for a second.

1322
00:42:41,430 --> 00:42:42,588
Call me tomorrow morning
between 6:50 and seven.

1323
00:42:42,588 --> 00:42:43,921
- Good-bye.

1324
00:42:43,921 --> 00:42:44,754
God.

1325
00:42:46,980 --> 00:42:48,870
I feel so dirty.

1326
00:42:48,870 --> 00:42:51,033
- So why does it matter if I'm Jewish?

1327
00:42:52,230 --> 00:42:53,430
- You heard that?

1328
00:42:53,430 --> 00:42:54,497
- Oh, yeah.

1329
00:42:54,497 --> 00:42:55,588
- Oh, my God.

1330
00:42:55,588 --> 00:42:56,580
I am going to go to the bathroom now

1331
00:42:56,580 --> 00:42:59,250
and hope to god that
I can overdose on tums

1332
00:42:59,250 --> 00:43:01,830
or Maalox or pine-scented glade.

1333
00:43:01,830 --> 00:43:02,922
I'm so embarrassed.

1334
00:43:02,922 --> 00:43:03,755
- Don't be.

1335
00:43:03,755 --> 00:43:04,710
It wasn't that bad.

1336
00:43:04,710 --> 00:43:05,640
Really.

1337
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:06,820
It was funny, actually.

1338
00:43:06,820 --> 00:43:07,680
(Tom laughing)

1339
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:08,970
- Will you please call mom for me?

1340
00:43:08,970 --> 00:43:10,380
I cannot talk to her.

1341
00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:11,490
The woman stopped having boundaries

1342
00:43:11,490 --> 00:43:13,080
when she stopped wearing a bra.

1343
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,780
And the fact that I know that, ew.

1344
00:43:15,660 --> 00:43:17,040
- I know, it's scary.

1345
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:19,200
- Does she pull that shit with you?

1346
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:20,130
- Are you kidding?

1347
00:43:20,130 --> 00:43:21,600
She wanted me to tape my first time

1348
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:23,220
for her professional evaluation.

1349
00:43:23,220 --> 00:43:24,450
- And?

1350
00:43:24,450 --> 00:43:25,751
- I'm not telling you.

1351
00:43:25,751 --> 00:43:26,584
(Rayna laughing)

1352
00:43:26,584 --> 00:43:29,010
- Oh, God, and did I tell you
she just sent me this article

1353
00:43:29,010 --> 00:43:32,160
about circle jerks in the new safe sex.

1354
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:33,510
- Can you believe I thought circle jerks

1355
00:43:33,510 --> 00:43:35,031
was a figure skating term?

1356
00:43:35,031 --> 00:43:35,864
- Well, you know, it is.

1357
00:43:35,864 --> 00:43:37,317
With the male figure skaters.

1358
00:43:37,317 --> 00:43:38,760
(Rayna laughing)

1359
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:40,200
Will you please call her for me please.

1360
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:41,033
I cannot talk to her.

1361
00:43:41,033 --> 00:43:43,350
- You know, you can't fight it.

1362
00:43:43,350 --> 00:43:44,670
And the more you try to avoid her,

1363
00:43:44,670 --> 00:43:46,890
the more she's gonna insist on meeting.

1364
00:43:46,890 --> 00:43:48,210
What's your new boyfriend's name?

1365
00:43:48,210 --> 00:43:49,043
- Tom.

1366
00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:50,220
And he's not my boyfriend.

1367
00:43:50,220 --> 00:43:51,053
- Whatever.

1368
00:43:51,053 --> 00:43:52,500
- I don't know what the hell he is.

1369
00:43:52,500 --> 00:43:53,867
- What do you want him to be?

1370
00:43:53,867 --> 00:43:54,700
- What?

1371
00:43:56,310 --> 00:43:57,143
No.

1372
00:43:57,143 --> 00:43:58,236
Yeah.

1373
00:43:58,236 --> 00:44:01,990
It's like I no, no, I just wish I knew

1374
00:44:02,910 --> 00:44:03,960
one way or the other.

1375
00:44:04,860 --> 00:44:07,590
- Okay, put the bong down, space cowboy.

1376
00:44:07,590 --> 00:44:10,450
He's your fucking
boyfriend, just like I said.

1377
00:44:10,450 --> 00:44:12,609
(gentle upbeat music)

1378
00:44:12,609 --> 00:44:14,947
(people speaking indistinctly)

1379
00:44:14,947 --> 00:44:18,114
(gentle upbeat music)

1380
00:44:20,010 --> 00:44:20,970
- [Tom] Eli.

1381
00:44:20,970 --> 00:44:21,803
- Oh, hey.

1382
00:44:21,803 --> 00:44:25,033
(gentle upbeat music)

1383
00:44:26,093 --> 00:44:29,879
♪ When you said to me ♪

1384
00:44:29,879 --> 00:44:33,629
♪ You are not so old ♪

1385
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:37,286
♪ Did I know it then ♪

1386
00:44:37,286 --> 00:44:40,397
♪ 'Cause I had just been told ♪

1387
00:44:40,397 --> 00:44:43,265
♪ I didn't think I'd find you ♪

1388
00:44:43,265 --> 00:44:46,846
♪ Perfect in so many ways ♪

1389
00:44:46,846 --> 00:44:48,838
♪ But I've been waiting ♪

1390
00:44:48,838 --> 00:44:49,671
♪ Waiting ♪

1391
00:44:49,671 --> 00:44:51,630
- What is it with you and nudity?

1392
00:44:51,630 --> 00:44:52,463
- Nothing.

1393
00:44:52,463 --> 00:44:54,240
But that movie was pandering.

1394
00:44:54,240 --> 00:44:55,230
- It was an art film.

1395
00:44:55,230 --> 00:44:57,360
- Yeah the art of guys with six pack abs

1396
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,100
blowing each other every chance they get.

1397
00:44:59,100 --> 00:45:01,750
And every gay guy in L.A.
is like, "Run, don't walk."

1398
00:45:02,820 --> 00:45:04,800
- And the problem with that is?

1399
00:45:04,800 --> 00:45:06,877
- Christ, you may as
well stay home and watch

1400
00:45:06,877 --> 00:45:10,050
"The Hand That Rocks My
Ladle" or, "Pocahoncho."

1401
00:45:10,050 --> 00:45:11,400
At least those movies don't pretend to be

1402
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,020
something that they're not.

1403
00:45:13,020 --> 00:45:13,853
- You have those?

1404
00:45:13,853 --> 00:45:14,686
Pop them in.

1405
00:45:14,686 --> 00:45:15,519
- Oh, God.

1406
00:45:15,519 --> 00:45:16,830
See, you're part of the problem.

1407
00:45:16,830 --> 00:45:17,663
Let me get this straight.

1408
00:45:17,663 --> 00:45:19,560
You think that a movie about two guys,

1409
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:22,050
it can't be about love, just sex?

1410
00:45:22,050 --> 00:45:23,040
- Those guys were in love.

1411
00:45:23,040 --> 00:45:25,591
Granted, it was a special kind of love.

1412
00:45:25,591 --> 00:45:27,581
The kind of love that required latex.

1413
00:45:27,581 --> 00:45:28,414
- Oh, my God.

1414
00:45:28,414 --> 00:45:29,247
You know what, never mind.

1415
00:45:29,247 --> 00:45:30,570
I cannot have this argument with a guy

1416
00:45:30,570 --> 00:45:31,680
who never saw, "Gone with the Wind."

1417
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:32,513
what is that?

1418
00:45:33,750 --> 00:45:36,150
- God, would you relax, huh?

1419
00:45:36,150 --> 00:45:37,530
You're going to give yourself an aneurysm.

1420
00:45:37,530 --> 00:45:38,793
- You are infuriating.

1421
00:45:42,119 --> 00:45:44,417
You you don't have to.

1422
00:45:44,417 --> 00:45:45,813
- Do you want me to stop?

1423
00:45:47,790 --> 00:45:48,623
- No.

1424
00:45:50,118 --> 00:45:50,951
Mm.

1425
00:45:53,340 --> 00:45:54,843
Man, you always smell so good.

1426
00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:59,070
(gentle music)

1427
00:45:59,070 --> 00:46:00,343
- Okay, there you go.

1428
00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:04,320
So Saturday is tennis, right?

1429
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:07,770
There must be an open
on Australia, British,

1430
00:46:07,770 --> 00:46:08,913
Pakistani, right?

1431
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:10,890
- Is something wrong?

1432
00:46:13,140 --> 00:46:14,002
- What?

1433
00:46:14,002 --> 00:46:16,790
No, no, I just want to
watch TV, that's all.

1434
00:46:16,790 --> 00:46:17,807
- Huh.

1435
00:46:17,807 --> 00:46:18,690
That's okay.

1436
00:46:18,690 --> 00:46:19,640
Whatever, I get it.

1437
00:46:21,780 --> 00:46:23,190
- Get what?

1438
00:46:23,190 --> 00:46:24,510
- Same as usual.

1439
00:46:24,510 --> 00:46:26,910
The whole come-here-go-away routine.

1440
00:46:26,910 --> 00:46:28,350
- What, do you want me
to keep massaging you?

1441
00:46:28,350 --> 00:46:29,280
I will, but I got to tell you,

1442
00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:31,620
this isn't exactly the
way to get me to want to.

1443
00:46:31,620 --> 00:46:35,073
- No, Tom, it's actually
fine, you know, it's just,

1444
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:38,550
you're not attracted to me,
you want to just be friends,

1445
00:46:38,550 --> 00:46:39,810
I can handle that.

1446
00:46:39,810 --> 00:46:41,365
But then stop fucking
calling me and inviting me

1447
00:46:41,365 --> 00:46:44,169
to see semi-porn on a Saturday afternoon.

1448
00:46:44,169 --> 00:46:46,290
And then drag me back to my house

1449
00:46:46,290 --> 00:46:47,400
and start rubbing my shoulders

1450
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,597
and expect me to be like,
"Hey, buddy, thanks a lot.

1451
00:46:49,597 --> 00:46:50,580
"I'll see you around."

1452
00:46:50,580 --> 00:46:53,970
- What is so wrong with
taking things slow, huh?

1453
00:46:53,970 --> 00:46:56,520
Why does it always have to
be all or nothing with you?

1454
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:57,353
- I don't know.

1455
00:46:58,830 --> 00:46:59,663
- All right, fine.

1456
00:46:59,663 --> 00:47:01,680
Then maybe we should
cool it off for a while.

1457
00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:03,750
No, I like you, I do.

1458
00:47:03,750 --> 00:47:04,583
- Thank you.

1459
00:47:05,820 --> 00:47:09,630
- It's just, I want to have a good time.

1460
00:47:09,630 --> 00:47:10,463
That's all.

1461
00:47:10,463 --> 00:47:13,410
I don't want to make this intense thing.

1462
00:47:13,410 --> 00:47:15,723
And you seem to want this,

1463
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:18,540
I don't know, I don't know.

1464
00:47:18,540 --> 00:47:19,764
What do you want?

1465
00:47:19,764 --> 00:47:23,430
(gentle upbeat music)

1466
00:47:23,430 --> 00:47:25,069
- Eggs, actually.

1467
00:47:25,069 --> 00:47:27,030
(gentle upbeat music)

1468
00:47:27,030 --> 00:47:27,863
- Whatever.

1469
00:47:30,283 --> 00:47:32,831
(door thudding)

1470
00:47:32,831 --> 00:47:35,820
(fridge door thudding)

1471
00:47:35,820 --> 00:47:37,290
- Remember cooties?

1472
00:47:37,290 --> 00:47:40,020
Don't touch the losers or you get cooties.

1473
00:47:40,020 --> 00:47:41,700
And who are the losers?

1474
00:47:41,700 --> 00:47:42,533
Easy.

1475
00:47:42,533 --> 00:47:45,630
Anybody with a hard-boiled
egg in their lunch bag.

1476
00:47:45,630 --> 00:47:50,133
Well, I don't think Tom liked
what I had in my lunch bag.

1477
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:52,793
- [Actor] What about sex?

1478
00:47:52,793 --> 00:47:53,728
I mean, people do have sex.

1479
00:47:53,728 --> 00:47:55,740
- [Actress] Sex is the
logical outgrowth of.

1480
00:47:55,740 --> 00:47:58,713
- Eli, let it out.

1481
00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:01,788
- No, you know, I don't
want to talk about it.

1482
00:48:01,788 --> 00:48:03,030
- Cop-out.

1483
00:48:03,030 --> 00:48:04,921
- Why do you feel the
need to beat yourself up?

1484
00:48:04,921 --> 00:48:07,290
- Why won't you let us into the now?

1485
00:48:07,290 --> 00:48:10,080
- Why do I feel like I'm in
a cheesy '70s est seminar?

1486
00:48:10,080 --> 00:48:10,913
- Good.

1487
00:48:10,913 --> 00:48:11,746
How else do you feel?

1488
00:48:11,746 --> 00:48:14,250
- Would you like us to
bring out the feel wheel?

1489
00:48:14,250 --> 00:48:15,083
- You know what, no.

1490
00:48:15,083 --> 00:48:16,830
I would actually like it if
you would just leave me alone

1491
00:48:16,830 --> 00:48:18,134
for a little while.

1492
00:48:18,134 --> 00:48:21,134
(insects chirping)

1493
00:48:27,690 --> 00:48:28,950
- Let me in.

1494
00:48:28,950 --> 00:48:30,990
I'm not gonna hurt you, I'm your friend.

1495
00:48:30,990 --> 00:48:32,370
What is wrong?

1496
00:48:32,370 --> 00:48:33,840
- I'm fine, okay.

1497
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:35,179
- I don't think so.

1498
00:48:35,179 --> 00:48:38,096
(insects chirping)

1499
00:48:38,970 --> 00:48:39,803
- It's this guy.

1500
00:48:39,803 --> 00:48:40,803
- I knew it.

1501
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,396
- He has this reputation
for being sort of easy.

1502
00:48:44,396 --> 00:48:45,229
- Mm-hmm.

1503
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:47,273
- Not with me.

1504
00:48:48,150 --> 00:48:50,190
With me, it's hard.

1505
00:48:50,190 --> 00:48:51,993
- Or not hard maybe that's the problem.

1506
00:48:51,993 --> 00:48:53,010
(Ellen laughing)

1507
00:48:53,010 --> 00:48:53,843
Okay.

1508
00:48:53,843 --> 00:48:56,583
(Ellen laughing)

1509
00:48:58,909 --> 00:49:00,300
Oh, Eli.

1510
00:49:00,300 --> 00:49:01,218
What is this?

1511
00:49:01,218 --> 00:49:02,589
- [Narrator] A closeted
gay teacher is outed

1512
00:49:02,589 --> 00:49:04,770
by a former student on the
night of the Academy Awards

1513
00:49:04,770 --> 00:49:06,677
in the ground-breaking
comedy starring Kevin Kline.

1514
00:49:06,677 --> 00:49:07,800
- I hate this film.

1515
00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:08,633
David, come in here,

1516
00:49:08,633 --> 00:49:09,661
you won't believe what
they're showing again.

1517
00:49:09,661 --> 00:49:12,960
What a piece-of-shit film, honestly.

1518
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:15,030
Like we're supposed to
believe this, look at this,

1519
00:49:15,030 --> 00:49:16,111
they're showing it again.

1520
00:49:16,111 --> 00:49:16,980
- They showed it last week.
- That this woman's

1521
00:49:16,980 --> 00:49:18,885
gonna fall in love with a
middle-aged, homophobic,

1522
00:49:18,885 --> 00:49:21,839
self-hating teacher who's
only now discovered he's gay.

1523
00:49:21,839 --> 00:49:23,809
- We hated this movie.
- I don't think so.

1524
00:49:23,809 --> 00:49:25,530
- Change the channel.
- Change the channel.

1525
00:49:25,530 --> 00:49:26,394
Fuck you.

1526
00:49:26,394 --> 00:49:27,710
(gentle music)

1527
00:49:27,710 --> 00:49:29,793
(birds chirping)

1528
00:49:29,793 --> 00:49:32,376
(gentle music)

1529
00:49:37,188 --> 00:49:40,486
(Jackie laughing)

1530
00:49:40,486 --> 00:49:41,460
- Hi.

1531
00:49:41,460 --> 00:49:42,293
- Hi, sunny.

1532
00:49:42,293 --> 00:49:45,415
- Mm.

1533
00:49:45,415 --> 00:49:49,357
Oh, honey, that's so sweet.

1534
00:49:49,357 --> 00:49:51,071
(gentle music)

1535
00:49:51,071 --> 00:49:53,921
But right now the thought of
food makes me want to borch.

1536
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:57,240
Pretty picture to wake up to, huh?

1537
00:49:57,240 --> 00:50:01,770
- Well, A, I can't imagine
waking up to any other picture.

1538
00:50:01,770 --> 00:50:05,793
And, B, I don't ever want to have to.

1539
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:08,673
- What is this?

1540
00:50:08,673 --> 00:50:09,630
- It's your capers.

1541
00:50:09,630 --> 00:50:11,146
I know how you like 'em on the side.

1542
00:50:11,146 --> 00:50:11,979
(Jackie laughing)

1543
00:50:11,979 --> 00:50:13,920
I got a special.

1544
00:50:13,920 --> 00:50:15,603
- Oh, my God.

1545
00:50:16,530 --> 00:50:17,447
Oh, my God.

1546
00:50:18,825 --> 00:50:20,370
(Jackie laughing)

1547
00:50:20,370 --> 00:50:22,589
Oh, shit.

1548
00:50:22,589 --> 00:50:23,997
- Huh?
- Oh, no.

1549
00:50:23,997 --> 00:50:28,023
No, no, no, of course I'll marry you.

1550
00:50:28,989 --> 00:50:29,822
(Brett laughing)

1551
00:50:29,822 --> 00:50:31,770
It's just that now
everybody's going to think

1552
00:50:31,770 --> 00:50:33,570
we're doing it because I'm pregnant.

1553
00:50:34,424 --> 00:50:37,007
(gentle music)

1554
00:50:38,186 --> 00:50:39,019
- You're kidding me.

1555
00:50:39,019 --> 00:50:40,154
Are you kidding me?

1556
00:50:40,154 --> 00:50:40,987
(both laughing)

1557
00:50:40,987 --> 00:50:42,056
- Holy.

1558
00:50:42,056 --> 00:50:42,963
Oh my God.

1559
00:50:45,437 --> 00:50:46,650
Oh, my God.

1560
00:50:46,650 --> 00:50:47,733
Mm.

1561
00:50:47,733 --> 00:50:49,032
Mr. Preggers.

1562
00:50:49,032 --> 00:50:49,865
(Jackie laughing)

1563
00:50:49,865 --> 00:50:50,698
Mr. Preggers.

1564
00:50:50,698 --> 00:50:52,290
Wake up, Mr. Preggers.

1565
00:50:55,020 --> 00:50:56,693
- We should have never fooled around.

1566
00:50:57,570 --> 00:50:58,403
- I know.

1567
00:50:58,403 --> 00:50:59,280
Why don't you have some more wine?

1568
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:00,300
- What can I say?

1569
00:51:00,300 --> 00:51:02,220
He doesn't make me weak in the knees.

1570
00:51:02,220 --> 00:51:03,053
- Please.

1571
00:51:03,053 --> 00:51:04,920
That is exactly why
you should be with him.

1572
00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:05,970
I mean, the ones that make you dizzy

1573
00:51:05,970 --> 00:51:07,680
are only good for a quick fuck.

1574
00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:09,543
The rest are marriage material,

1575
00:51:10,620 --> 00:51:12,120
like Brett.

1576
00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:14,703
- That is exactly what I'm afraid of.

1577
00:51:17,850 --> 00:51:19,365
Wait, what?

1578
00:51:19,365 --> 00:51:21,630
(gentle music)

1579
00:51:21,630 --> 00:51:22,863
Wow.

1580
00:51:22,863 --> 00:51:24,007
Wow, that was fast.

1581
00:51:24,007 --> 00:51:25,658
- Well, tick-tock, you know?

1582
00:51:25,658 --> 00:51:28,890
(Jackie laughing)

1583
00:51:28,890 --> 00:51:30,360
- You're crazy.

1584
00:51:30,360 --> 00:51:31,770
- I want you to be my man of honor.

1585
00:51:31,770 --> 00:51:32,603
- There's no such thing.

1586
00:51:32,603 --> 00:51:33,436
- So?

1587
00:51:33,436 --> 00:51:34,269
You're my best friend.

1588
00:51:34,269 --> 00:51:37,260
I couldn't even imagine
anybody else by my side.

1589
00:51:37,260 --> 00:51:39,540
And your first duty as my personal slave

1590
00:51:39,540 --> 00:51:40,803
is to pretend to love it.

1591
00:51:43,740 --> 00:51:44,993
- Fine, fine, fine.

1592
00:51:47,310 --> 00:51:48,450
- Thanks.

1593
00:51:48,450 --> 00:51:49,582
I love you.

1594
00:51:49,582 --> 00:51:52,249
(gentle music)

1595
00:51:56,213 --> 00:52:00,264
♪ I've been walking backwards lately ♪

1596
00:52:00,264 --> 00:52:04,803
♪ To see if I could find you ♪

1597
00:52:04,803 --> 00:52:07,023
- It's Jackie again.

1598
00:52:08,146 --> 00:52:08,979
Hello.

1599
00:52:09,870 --> 00:52:11,460
Where are you?

1600
00:52:11,460 --> 00:52:13,536
Call me back stat.

1601
00:52:13,536 --> 00:52:16,345
♪ Imagine you falling asleep ♪

1602
00:52:16,345 --> 00:52:19,762
♪ Watching TV in the den ♪

1603
00:52:20,817 --> 00:52:22,389
(gentle music)

1604
00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:27,389
♪ If I could bring you back ♪

1605
00:52:27,561 --> 00:52:31,200
♪ Talk about everything ♪

1606
00:52:31,200 --> 00:52:32,130
- [Tom Voiceover] Hi, this is Tom.

1607
00:52:32,130 --> 00:52:34,261
Leave a message or don't.

1608
00:52:34,261 --> 00:52:36,011
(machine beeping)

1609
00:52:36,011 --> 00:52:37,193
- This is the bride-to-be.

1610
00:52:38,430 --> 00:52:39,450
I really wouldn't mind having

1611
00:52:39,450 --> 00:52:41,050
my best friend around right now,

1612
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:44,550
being that it's the most
important time of my life.

1613
00:52:45,906 --> 00:52:49,489
But, hey, maybe that's
just too much to ask for.

1614
00:52:49,489 --> 00:52:53,721
♪ Anything just to see your face again ♪

1615
00:52:53,721 --> 00:52:56,604
♪ And just to make you smile ♪

1616
00:52:56,604 --> 00:52:58,158
(gentle music)

1617
00:52:58,158 --> 00:53:03,077
♪ And set me free ♪

1618
00:53:03,077 --> 00:53:07,799
♪ If I could bring you back ♪

1619
00:53:07,799 --> 00:53:11,567
♪ Well, that'd be the sweetest thing ♪

1620
00:53:11,567 --> 00:53:15,154
♪ If I could bring you back ♪

1621
00:53:15,154 --> 00:53:17,308
(gentle music)

1622
00:53:17,308 --> 00:53:19,943
♪ To me ♪

1623
00:53:19,943 --> 00:53:22,724
(gentle music)

1624
00:53:22,724 --> 00:53:25,641
(insects chirping)

1625
00:53:29,664 --> 00:53:32,621
(people speaking indistinctly)

1626
00:53:32,621 --> 00:53:35,788
(gentle upbeat music)

1627
00:53:37,004 --> 00:53:39,921
(insects chirping)

1628
00:53:41,908 --> 00:53:45,075
(gentle upbeat music)

1629
00:53:55,155 --> 00:53:57,950
(footsteps tapping)

1630
00:53:57,950 --> 00:54:02,428
(people speaking indistinctly)

1631
00:54:02,428 --> 00:54:05,780
(gentle upbeat music)

1632
00:54:05,780 --> 00:54:08,110
♪ Turn his head and run ♪

1633
00:54:08,110 --> 00:54:09,975
♪ And don't look back ♪

1634
00:54:09,975 --> 00:54:14,975
♪ 'Cause I fear there is
nothing left to say to you ♪

1635
00:54:15,761 --> 00:54:18,347
♪ That you want to hear,
that you want to know ♪

1636
00:54:18,347 --> 00:54:20,370
♪ I think I should go ♪

1637
00:54:20,370 --> 00:54:23,957
♪ The things I've done
are way too shameful ♪

1638
00:54:23,957 --> 00:54:25,710
♪ Oh ♪

1639
00:54:25,710 --> 00:54:28,713
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

1640
00:54:28,713 --> 00:54:31,380
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

1641
00:54:33,135 --> 00:54:36,411
(gentle music)

1642
00:54:36,411 --> 00:54:37,244
- Freeze.

1643
00:54:37,244 --> 00:54:40,130
(camera shutter clicking)

1644
00:54:40,130 --> 00:54:43,187
(people speaking indistinctly)

1645
00:54:43,187 --> 00:54:46,354
(gentle upbeat music)

1646
00:55:22,804 --> 00:55:24,763
(door thudding)

1647
00:55:24,763 --> 00:55:28,013
(gentle upbeat music)

1648
00:55:32,493 --> 00:55:35,076
- Jack, Jack, pick up, it's me.

1649
00:55:36,150 --> 00:55:37,473
Jackie, please pick up.

1650
00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:41,313
All right, well, I met someone.

1651
00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:44,522
Apparently.

1652
00:55:44,522 --> 00:55:49,320
Fuck.

1653
00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:54,320
Listen, Jack, I'm really sorry

1654
00:55:54,630 --> 00:55:56,943
I haven't returned your calls.

1655
00:55:58,200 --> 00:55:59,700
I've been a shit, all right,

1656
00:55:59,700 --> 00:56:02,883
and it's me, it's not you.

1657
00:56:04,980 --> 00:56:06,611
Like you don't know that.

1658
00:56:06,611 --> 00:56:09,861
(gentle upbeat music)

1659
00:56:13,230 --> 00:56:15,969
Jack, I really, really need
to talk to you, all right,

1660
00:56:15,969 --> 00:56:18,180
I'm freaking out here.

1661
00:56:18,180 --> 00:56:21,333
Oh, Jesus, this guy has the
number eight tattooed on his.

1662
00:56:22,350 --> 00:56:23,183
Wait.

1663
00:56:25,380 --> 00:56:27,300
Correction, it says, "Eighth Wonder."

1664
00:56:27,300 --> 00:56:28,133
Okay, yeah.

1665
00:56:28,133 --> 00:56:30,000
You know, I really know how to pick 'em.

1666
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:31,323
Jack, please call me back.

1667
00:56:32,701 --> 00:56:35,868
(gentle upbeat music)

1668
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,830
- Open your eyes and look at me.

1669
00:56:43,440 --> 00:56:45,450
No, I don't think I will kiss you.

1670
00:56:45,450 --> 00:56:47,395
Although you need kissing badly.

1671
00:56:47,395 --> 00:56:50,645
(gentle upbeat music)

1672
00:56:55,110 --> 00:56:57,150
If the right moment ever came.

1673
00:56:57,150 --> 00:57:00,157
- You're a conceited, black-hearted,
varmint, Rhett Butler,

1674
00:57:00,157 --> 00:57:02,153
and I don't know why I
let you come and see me.

1675
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:05,027
- I'll tell you why, Scarlett.

1676
00:57:05,027 --> 00:57:07,053
The war can't last much longer.

1677
00:57:07,053 --> 00:57:07,886
- Really, Rhett.

1678
00:57:07,886 --> 00:57:08,719
Why?

1679
00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:10,369
- [Rhett] There's a little
battle going on right now

1680
00:57:10,369 --> 00:57:12,891
that ought to.

1681
00:57:12,891 --> 00:57:15,891
(telephone ringing)

1682
00:57:17,077 --> 00:57:17,970
- Hello.

1683
00:57:17,970 --> 00:57:19,270
- [Tom] How have you been?

1684
00:57:20,292 --> 00:57:23,042
(birds chirping)

1685
00:57:26,700 --> 00:57:27,990
- Okay.

1686
00:57:27,990 --> 00:57:29,460
- Good.

1687
00:57:29,460 --> 00:57:30,293
Listen.

1688
00:57:34,800 --> 00:57:36,210
- [Eli] What?

1689
00:57:36,210 --> 00:57:37,680
- Well, what I was gonna say was

1690
00:57:37,680 --> 00:57:38,850
I've been procrastinating

1691
00:57:38,850 --> 00:57:40,740
about this whole wedding thing.

1692
00:57:40,740 --> 00:57:43,863
I mean, I haven't gotten a
gift for Jackie's shower yet.

1693
00:57:45,180 --> 00:57:46,230
I guess I'm in denial.

1694
00:57:46,230 --> 00:57:48,003
- I'm sure it's not the first time.

1695
00:57:49,620 --> 00:57:50,913
- Yeah, right.

1696
00:57:52,950 --> 00:57:54,960
- You know, Tom, I guess
I never got the email,

1697
00:57:54,960 --> 00:57:57,690
you know, that our cooling-off
period was officially over.

1698
00:57:57,690 --> 00:58:01,563
And, frankly, I'd like to renew my option.

1699
00:58:03,306 --> 00:58:04,139
- Yeah.
- Bye.

1700
00:58:07,397 --> 00:58:08,230
Fuck.

1701
00:58:08,230 --> 00:58:09,434
(telephone ringing)

1702
00:58:09,434 --> 00:58:10,710
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

1703
00:58:10,710 --> 00:58:11,858
- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this is Eli.

1704
00:58:11,858 --> 00:58:12,691
Leave a message.

1705
00:58:12,691 --> 00:58:13,840
(machine beeping)

1706
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:15,210
- Yeah, it's Tom again.

1707
00:58:15,210 --> 00:58:16,132
Listen, I'm all for

1708
00:58:16,132 --> 00:58:16,965
keeping things casual.
- Now he's all over me,

1709
00:58:16,965 --> 00:58:17,798
now he's fucking all over me.

1710
00:58:17,798 --> 00:58:18,631
That's just great.
- But that doesn't mean

1711
00:58:18,631 --> 00:58:20,520
we can't go out and buy a
baby gift together, does it?

1712
00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:21,970
- I hate people like this.

1713
00:58:21,970 --> 00:58:22,890
- I know.

1714
00:58:22,890 --> 00:58:24,030
- They play this game.

1715
00:58:24,030 --> 00:58:24,907
Once you decide to play it, too,

1716
00:58:24,907 --> 00:58:26,400
they don't wanna play it anymore.

1717
00:58:26,400 --> 00:58:27,540
I mean, what the fuck is that?

1718
00:58:27,540 --> 00:58:28,373
- Yeah.

1719
00:58:28,373 --> 00:58:29,206
You know, I'm starting to
think that's all there is

1720
00:58:29,206 --> 00:58:30,039
out there anymore.

1721
00:58:30,039 --> 00:58:30,872
- Well, that's wrong.

1722
00:58:30,872 --> 00:58:31,705
- Nope.

1723
00:58:31,705 --> 00:58:32,730
No, here's what I think.

1724
00:58:32,730 --> 00:58:35,250
I think who I am, you
know, what I've been,

1725
00:58:35,250 --> 00:58:36,930
not working so much anymore.

1726
00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:39,060
From now on, there's going
to be a whole new Eli.

1727
00:58:39,060 --> 00:58:40,950
The whole love thing, I don't buy it.

1728
00:58:40,950 --> 00:58:42,360
- Well, how come it works for me?

1729
00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:43,470
- Oh, my God, you are so full of shit.

1730
00:58:43,470 --> 00:58:44,550
It doesn't work for you.

1731
00:58:44,550 --> 00:58:46,230
You fall in love with a
different person each week.

1732
00:58:46,230 --> 00:58:47,460
- My point exactly.

1733
00:58:47,460 --> 00:58:49,170
- No, no, no, you fall in love

1734
00:58:49,170 --> 00:58:50,820
with the idea of being in love,

1735
00:58:50,820 --> 00:58:52,260
with a married man to, what, like,

1736
00:58:52,260 --> 00:58:54,420
experience the rush of
breaking up a family?

1737
00:58:54,420 --> 00:58:57,000
Now you fall in love with a
deaf guy to learn sign language?

1738
00:58:57,000 --> 00:58:57,833
- Well, I did.

1739
00:58:57,833 --> 00:59:00,136
- Okay, honey, this does not
constitute sign language.

1740
00:59:00,136 --> 00:59:00,969
(Rayna laughing)

1741
00:59:00,969 --> 00:59:03,090
And then with a woman just
to piss off mom and dad.

1742
00:59:03,090 --> 00:59:05,220
- Okay, how much did that backfire?

1743
00:59:05,220 --> 00:59:06,690
That's the year that they decided to run

1744
00:59:06,690 --> 00:59:08,910
for co-president of P-flag.

1745
00:59:08,910 --> 00:59:09,743
- You know what?

1746
00:59:09,743 --> 00:59:10,860
From now on, it's just going to be

1747
00:59:10,860 --> 00:59:12,540
one-night stands, casual sex,

1748
00:59:12,540 --> 00:59:14,310
just a lot of close friends.

1749
00:59:14,310 --> 00:59:15,810
- You sound pathetic.

1750
00:59:15,810 --> 00:59:16,710
- No, you know what?

1751
00:59:16,710 --> 00:59:17,790
For the first time in my life,

1752
00:59:17,790 --> 00:59:19,410
I think I actually make sense.

1753
00:59:19,410 --> 00:59:20,243
- Great.

1754
00:59:20,243 --> 00:59:21,750
Glad to help you through
the pain, bye-bye.

1755
00:59:21,750 --> 00:59:22,583
- Bye.

1756
00:59:22,583 --> 00:59:23,490
I'll call you later.

1757
00:59:23,490 --> 00:59:26,280
- Yeah, will you tell that
other Eli to give me a call?

1758
00:59:26,280 --> 00:59:27,113
This one sucks.

1759
00:59:27,113 --> 00:59:28,630
(telephone ringing)

1760
00:59:28,630 --> 00:59:31,946
If that's him, you're not going shopping.

1761
00:59:31,946 --> 00:59:33,442
(telephone ringing)

1762
00:59:33,442 --> 00:59:34,620
(door thudding)

1763
00:59:34,620 --> 00:59:36,570
- Okay, FYI, the only reason I'm here

1764
00:59:36,570 --> 00:59:39,060
is because your whole,
tires got slashed, story

1765
00:59:39,060 --> 00:59:40,740
was so much more believable

1766
00:59:40,740 --> 00:59:43,050
than the first messages you left me.

1767
00:59:43,050 --> 00:59:44,070
- Personally, I thought I had you

1768
00:59:44,070 --> 00:59:45,851
with the tickets to, "X Files On Ice."

1769
00:59:45,851 --> 00:59:47,100
(car horns honking)

1770
00:59:47,100 --> 00:59:48,050
- I already saw it.

1771
00:59:53,986 --> 00:59:56,460
- I always wanted one when I was a kid.

1772
00:59:56,460 --> 00:59:57,333
Surprising, huh?

1773
00:59:58,350 --> 01:00:00,180
- Oh, my God, I had so many dolls.

1774
01:00:00,180 --> 01:00:01,320
- My dad would have killed me.

1775
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:02,153
- Really?

1776
01:00:02,153 --> 01:00:02,986
- Yeah.

1777
01:00:02,986 --> 01:00:04,200
- My house was like a free-for-all.

1778
01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:05,610
My sister had all these Barbies and Kens,

1779
01:00:05,610 --> 01:00:08,250
and my parents made me play with them.

1780
01:00:08,250 --> 01:00:10,320
- Your parents forced
you to play with dolls?

1781
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:11,153
- Oh, it was just so I could learn

1782
01:00:11,153 --> 01:00:12,991
the names of all the body parts.

1783
01:00:12,991 --> 01:00:13,950
(gentle upbeat music)

1784
01:00:13,950 --> 01:00:15,930
- Pick whichever doll you like.

1785
01:00:15,930 --> 01:00:16,920
- It's your choice.

1786
01:00:16,920 --> 01:00:18,303
They're all beautiful.

1787
01:00:20,250 --> 01:00:21,120
Good.

1788
01:00:21,120 --> 01:00:21,962
Now switch.

1789
01:00:21,962 --> 01:00:25,129
(gentle upbeat music)

1790
01:00:28,320 --> 01:00:30,508
- What do you call this?

1791
01:00:30,508 --> 01:00:31,802
- Vagina.

1792
01:00:31,802 --> 01:00:33,586
- Yes, vagina.

1793
01:00:33,586 --> 01:00:34,590
Good, Rayna.

1794
01:00:34,590 --> 01:00:38,382
Eli, vagina.

1795
01:00:38,382 --> 01:00:39,630
- Vagina.

1796
01:00:39,630 --> 01:00:43,680
Now say it like you mean it, va-gi-na.

1797
01:00:43,680 --> 01:00:44,970
- Vagina.

1798
01:00:44,970 --> 01:00:46,260
- Yes, yes, yes.

1799
01:00:48,210 --> 01:00:49,923
- I always thought Ken was gay.

1800
01:00:51,113 --> 01:00:53,280
- He was when I got through with him.

1801
01:00:53,280 --> 01:00:54,330
That's another story.

1802
01:00:55,842 --> 01:00:59,237
- You know, you and Ken
together, it's strangely erotic.

1803
01:01:03,780 --> 01:01:05,610
- Well, we have been
known to do private shows,

1804
01:01:05,610 --> 01:01:06,660
if you're interested.

1805
01:01:08,250 --> 01:01:09,183
- Not today.

1806
01:01:11,286 --> 01:01:12,119
- Okay.

1807
01:01:15,330 --> 01:01:18,933
- Hello, there, Eli, I'm
Fuzzy Wuzzy the bear.

1808
01:01:25,740 --> 01:01:27,140
Jackie would love this bear.

1809
01:01:29,665 --> 01:01:31,462
♪ Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear ♪

1810
01:01:31,462 --> 01:01:33,208
♪ Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair ♪

1811
01:01:33,208 --> 01:01:36,315
♪ Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he ♪

1812
01:01:36,315 --> 01:01:38,880
♪ Was he, was he, was
he, was he, was he? ♪

1813
01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:39,725
- Was he, was he.

1814
01:01:39,725 --> 01:01:44,040
Was he, was he, was he, was he, was he.

1815
01:01:44,040 --> 01:01:44,873
- That's what I said.

1816
01:01:44,873 --> 01:01:45,706
- No, no.

1817
01:01:45,706 --> 01:01:47,640
You said, was he?

1818
01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:48,570
It's, was he.

1819
01:01:48,570 --> 01:01:50,520
- What's the difference?

1820
01:01:50,520 --> 01:01:52,080
- You're kidding, right?

1821
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:55,410
You just established that
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.

1822
01:01:55,410 --> 01:01:57,270
Why would you then ask, was he?

1823
01:01:57,270 --> 01:01:58,727
Like a question, like you didn't know

1824
01:01:58,727 --> 01:02:00,000
if he was fuzzy or not.

1825
01:02:00,000 --> 01:02:00,833
- It is a question.

1826
01:02:00,833 --> 01:02:02,970
I'm asking if fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy.

1827
01:02:02,970 --> 01:02:03,860
What is so wrong about that?

1828
01:02:03,860 --> 01:02:05,490
- It is a rhetorical question.

1829
01:02:05,490 --> 01:02:06,570
There's no answer to it.

1830
01:02:06,570 --> 01:02:07,717
It's supposed to be ironic.

1831
01:02:07,717 --> 01:02:11,027
"Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he."

1832
01:02:11,027 --> 01:02:14,186
(footsteps tapping)

1833
01:02:14,186 --> 01:02:17,353
(car engine revving)

1834
01:02:26,451 --> 01:02:27,950
- I don't think it's that
obvious if Fuzzy Wuzzy

1835
01:02:27,950 --> 01:02:29,580
was or wasn't fuzzy.

1836
01:02:29,580 --> 01:02:31,560
- It is the point of
the whole goddamn thing.

1837
01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:33,720
- Man, why are you so uptight?

1838
01:02:33,720 --> 01:02:35,580
No there always has to
be a right way with you

1839
01:02:35,580 --> 01:02:36,993
and a wrong way with you.

1840
01:02:37,950 --> 01:02:40,980
I mean, is that why you like being with me

1841
01:02:40,980 --> 01:02:43,590
So you can feel like
you're right all the time.

1842
01:02:43,590 --> 01:02:44,423
- What?

1843
01:02:44,423 --> 01:02:45,800
No.

1844
01:02:45,800 --> 01:02:47,370
Is that what you think?

1845
01:02:47,370 --> 01:02:50,130
- Alls I know is you have this rigid idea

1846
01:02:50,130 --> 01:02:51,543
of how I should be.

1847
01:02:53,610 --> 01:02:55,108
- Alls you know?

1848
01:02:55,108 --> 01:02:57,533
- Right, right I can't.

1849
01:02:59,690 --> 01:03:00,833
(car door thudding)

1850
01:03:00,833 --> 01:03:01,666
- Fuck.

1851
01:03:01,666 --> 01:03:05,151
- [Friend] Oh, boy, it's mine, mine, mine.

1852
01:03:05,151 --> 01:03:06,601
- I love this.

1853
01:03:06,601 --> 01:03:08,490
- [Friend] Well, enjoy it now, honey,

1854
01:03:08,490 --> 01:03:10,935
because in a month or so, you're
gonna be ripping the seams.

1855
01:03:10,935 --> 01:03:13,975
(all laughing)

1856
01:03:13,975 --> 01:03:15,403
- I'm gonna kill you.

1857
01:03:15,403 --> 01:03:16,236
(Rachel laughing)

1858
01:03:16,236 --> 01:03:17,970
- Rachel, could you shut the fuck up?

1859
01:03:17,970 --> 01:03:19,854
You're cackling like an idiot.

1860
01:03:19,854 --> 01:03:21,390
- Come on, Lizz, grab some bows

1861
01:03:21,390 --> 01:03:23,910
and help us with the rehearsal bouquet.

1862
01:03:23,910 --> 01:03:25,007
- Well, why do you want me to do it?

1863
01:03:25,007 --> 01:03:26,400
'Cause you think it's the only time

1864
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:27,600
I'm ever going to get to hold one?

1865
01:03:27,600 --> 01:03:29,760
- Okay, Lizz, what time is therapy, hon?

1866
01:03:29,760 --> 01:03:30,660
Do they make house calls?

1867
01:03:30,660 --> 01:03:31,728
- That's really sweet.

1868
01:03:31,728 --> 01:03:32,561
Very supportive.

1869
01:03:32,561 --> 01:03:33,540
I'm taking my gift back.

1870
01:03:33,540 --> 01:03:34,680
- I'll make it, I'll make it.

1871
01:03:34,680 --> 01:03:35,513
- [Lizz] Thank you.

1872
01:03:35,513 --> 01:03:36,346
Nice person.

1873
01:03:36,346 --> 01:03:37,179
(door thumping)

1874
01:03:37,179 --> 01:03:38,400
- Wait, the door.

1875
01:03:38,400 --> 01:03:39,753
Get the door, get the door.

1876
01:03:41,403 --> 01:03:42,236
- Oh.
- Uh-oh.

1877
01:03:44,400 --> 01:03:45,273
- Is Jackie here?

1878
01:03:46,110 --> 01:03:48,644
- Hey, Jackie, did you forget
to pay some parking tickets?

1879
01:03:48,644 --> 01:03:50,880
(Jackie laughing)

1880
01:03:50,880 --> 01:03:51,713
- [Jackie] Hello.

1881
01:03:51,713 --> 01:03:52,620
- Are you Jackie gold?

1882
01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,450
- I'll be Jackie gold.

1883
01:03:54,450 --> 01:03:55,710
- [Jackie] I'm gonna kill you guys.

1884
01:03:55,710 --> 01:03:57,390
I can't believe you did this.

1885
01:03:57,390 --> 01:04:01,184
- Jackie, you have been a bad,
bad, bad girl, haven't you?

1886
01:04:01,184 --> 01:04:02,137
- [Friend] Oh, baby.

1887
01:04:02,137 --> 01:04:02,970
Oh, yeah.

1888
01:04:02,970 --> 01:04:06,430
(all laughing)

1889
01:04:06,430 --> 01:04:07,724
- Put that thing away.

1890
01:04:07,724 --> 01:04:09,405
(gentle upbeat music)

1891
01:04:09,405 --> 01:04:10,739
(all laughing)

1892
01:04:10,739 --> 01:04:13,753
(gentle upbeat music)

1893
01:04:13,753 --> 01:04:15,308
- Go ahead.

1894
01:04:15,308 --> 01:04:16,275
Great angle.

1895
01:04:16,275 --> 01:04:17,525
- Oh, oh, okay.

1896
01:04:19,757 --> 01:04:20,958
- Oh, my God.

1897
01:04:20,958 --> 01:04:23,703
You work that booty.

1898
01:04:23,703 --> 01:04:25,662
(all laughing)

1899
01:04:25,662 --> 01:04:26,745
- I love him.

1900
01:04:28,274 --> 01:04:29,107
- Uh-huh.

1901
01:04:29,107 --> 01:04:29,940
- This is it.

1902
01:04:29,940 --> 01:04:30,773
This is it.

1903
01:04:30,773 --> 01:04:32,433
(camera shutter clicking)

1904
01:04:32,433 --> 01:04:34,740
Okay, that is gonna be amazing.

1905
01:04:34,740 --> 01:04:35,670
- Enough with the pictures.

1906
01:04:35,670 --> 01:04:36,690
- That was great.

1907
01:04:36,690 --> 01:04:37,753
- Diana with the pictures.
- It was great.

1908
01:04:37,753 --> 01:04:38,586
One more.
- No.

1909
01:04:38,586 --> 01:04:39,419
(all laughing)

1910
01:04:39,419 --> 01:04:40,502
- Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

1911
01:04:40,502 --> 01:04:41,335
Ring.
- Okay.

1912
01:04:41,335 --> 01:04:42,168
- Okay wait, forget about the ring.

1913
01:04:42,168 --> 01:04:43,917
Can we talk about our friend the cop?

1914
01:04:43,917 --> 01:04:45,810
- [Diana] Oh, you mean
your future ex-husband?

1915
01:04:45,810 --> 01:04:46,643
- [Lizz] Please.

1916
01:04:46,643 --> 01:04:47,476
(all laughing)

1917
01:04:47,476 --> 01:04:48,309
- [Tom] So how long you been doing this?

1918
01:04:48,309 --> 01:04:49,142
- Too long.

1919
01:04:49,142 --> 01:04:50,796
(people speaking indistinctly)

1920
01:04:50,796 --> 01:04:52,950
(all laughing)

1921
01:04:52,950 --> 01:04:54,527
- [Jackie] Let's go, ladies.

1922
01:04:54,527 --> 01:04:56,640
- [Lizz] Let me ask you this.

1923
01:04:56,640 --> 01:04:58,140
How many of these gifts
can I take home with me?

1924
01:04:58,140 --> 01:04:59,340
- [Jackie] You're crazy.

1925
01:05:00,390 --> 01:05:02,525
- I wrap beautifully, though.

1926
01:05:02,525 --> 01:05:04,120
Don't you think we should share?

1927
01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:06,030
You don't even like mine.

1928
01:05:06,030 --> 01:05:07,309
Can I take it back?

1929
01:05:07,309 --> 01:05:09,973
- Excuse me one second.

1930
01:05:09,973 --> 01:05:13,890
- So, you know, I've
been kind of bad myself.

1931
01:05:13,890 --> 01:05:15,235
- You have?

1932
01:05:15,235 --> 01:05:17,457
(car tires screeching)

1933
01:05:17,457 --> 01:05:20,540
(car engine revving)

1934
01:05:23,507 --> 01:05:26,757
(gentle upbeat music)

1935
01:05:32,461 --> 01:05:36,656
♪ Please forgive me if
I act a little strange ♪

1936
01:05:36,656 --> 01:05:39,355
(gentle upbeat music)

1937
01:05:39,355 --> 01:05:42,376
♪ For I know not what I do ♪

1938
01:05:42,376 --> 01:05:43,906
(gentle upbeat music)

1939
01:05:43,906 --> 01:05:44,971
(door bell ringing)

1940
01:05:44,971 --> 01:05:45,936
(gentle upbeat music)

1941
01:05:45,936 --> 01:05:50,052
♪ Feels like lightning
running through my veins ♪

1942
01:05:50,052 --> 01:05:53,360
(gentle upbeat music)

1943
01:05:53,360 --> 01:05:57,341
♪ Every time I look at you ♪

1944
01:05:57,341 --> 01:06:00,280
(gentle upbeat music)

1945
01:06:00,280 --> 01:06:01,354
♪ Every time I ♪

1946
01:06:01,354 --> 01:06:02,228
- Hey.

1947
01:06:02,228 --> 01:06:03,061
- Hey.

1948
01:06:04,243 --> 01:06:05,940
- How much do I owe you?

1949
01:06:05,940 --> 01:06:06,773
- 9.22.

1950
01:06:08,066 --> 01:06:09,420
- All right, why don't you keep that.

1951
01:06:09,420 --> 01:06:10,261
- Cool.

1952
01:06:10,261 --> 01:06:11,094
Thanks a lot.

1953
01:06:11,094 --> 01:06:11,927
Have a good night.

1954
01:06:11,927 --> 01:06:12,840
- You, too.

1955
01:06:12,840 --> 01:06:13,673
Thanks.

1956
01:06:13,673 --> 01:06:14,506
(gentle upbeat music)

1957
01:06:14,506 --> 01:06:17,422
♪ And there's so much I want to say ♪

1958
01:06:17,422 --> 01:06:21,185
(gentle upbeat music)

1959
01:06:21,185 --> 01:06:23,447
♪ Want to tell you just
how good it feels ♪

1960
01:06:23,447 --> 01:06:26,447
(door bell ringing)

1961
01:06:28,187 --> 01:06:30,213
♪ When you look at me ♪

1962
01:06:30,213 --> 01:06:31,296
- Hey.
- Hey.

1963
01:06:36,420 --> 01:06:37,683
Where did you find this?

1964
01:06:39,150 --> 01:06:40,657
- Internet.

1965
01:06:40,657 --> 01:06:43,740
(birds chirping)

1966
01:06:43,740 --> 01:06:45,283
- Thank you.

1967
01:06:45,283 --> 01:06:47,114
(birds chirping)

1968
01:06:47,114 --> 01:06:49,253
- I took it out of the box
so you could play with it.

1969
01:06:50,430 --> 01:06:51,720
- It came in a box?

1970
01:06:51,720 --> 01:06:52,553
The original box?

1971
01:06:52,553 --> 01:06:53,386
- Mm-hmm.

1972
01:06:53,386 --> 01:06:54,795
- Where is it?

1973
01:06:54,795 --> 01:06:56,219
- I tossed it, why?

1974
01:06:56,219 --> 01:06:58,560
(birds chirping)

1975
01:06:58,560 --> 01:06:59,393
Why?

1976
01:07:01,650 --> 01:07:02,809
- Never mind.

1977
01:07:02,809 --> 01:07:06,052
(birds chirping)

1978
01:07:06,052 --> 01:07:08,635
(gentle music)

1979
01:07:11,580 --> 01:07:12,730
- And then it happened.

1980
01:07:13,920 --> 01:07:15,061
- What?

1981
01:07:15,061 --> 01:07:16,830
(gentle upbeat music)

1982
01:07:16,830 --> 01:07:18,900
- We went where no two men should ever go

1983
01:07:18,900 --> 01:07:20,520
without a prescription.

1984
01:07:20,520 --> 01:07:21,353
- Trust me.

1985
01:07:21,353 --> 01:07:22,437
You don't want the details.

1986
01:07:22,437 --> 01:07:23,270
- Are you nuts?

1987
01:07:23,270 --> 01:07:24,103
(Esther laughing)

1988
01:07:24,103 --> 01:07:26,823
At my age, the details are all I got.

1989
01:07:26,823 --> 01:07:28,474
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

1990
01:07:28,474 --> 01:07:30,256
- [Tom] Take off your.

1991
01:07:30,256 --> 01:07:31,223
- [Eli] Ouch.

1992
01:07:31,223 --> 01:07:33,196
- [Tom] It's the remote.

1993
01:07:33,196 --> 01:07:36,029
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, a ♪

1994
01:07:36,924 --> 01:07:38,256
- [Tom] Let's not.

1995
01:07:38,256 --> 01:07:39,089
- [Eli] What?

1996
01:07:39,089 --> 01:07:40,502
That's the back of my leg.

1997
01:07:40,502 --> 01:07:41,643
- [Tom] Oh, sorry.

1998
01:07:41,643 --> 01:07:42,476
- [Eli] Kidding, I'm kidding.

1999
01:07:42,476 --> 01:07:43,648
- [Tom] That's funny.

2000
01:07:43,648 --> 01:07:44,922
That's funny.

2001
01:07:44,922 --> 01:07:47,697
(gentle upbeat music)

2002
01:07:47,697 --> 01:07:48,530
- Wait.

2003
01:07:48,530 --> 01:07:50,968
(gentle upbeat music)

2004
01:07:50,968 --> 01:07:52,768
- Don't you want to?

2005
01:07:52,768 --> 01:07:53,718
- You have a thingie?

2006
01:07:53,718 --> 01:07:54,551
(both laughing)

2007
01:07:54,551 --> 01:07:55,384
- Shut up, shut up.

2008
01:07:55,384 --> 01:07:56,217
- Thingie?

2009
01:07:56,217 --> 01:07:57,050
- You know what I mean.

2010
01:07:57,050 --> 01:07:58,272
Do you know what I mean?

2011
01:07:58,272 --> 01:07:59,105
- Yeah.

2012
01:07:59,105 --> 01:07:59,938
Yeah.

2013
01:08:02,157 --> 01:08:05,277
♪ For I know not what I do ♪

2014
01:08:05,277 --> 01:08:08,582
(gentle music)

2015
01:08:08,582 --> 01:08:09,415
- Tom.

2016
01:08:09,415 --> 01:08:10,248
- Yeah?

2017
01:08:10,248 --> 01:08:11,331
- Look at me.

2018
01:08:13,129 --> 01:08:13,990
I love you.

2019
01:08:13,990 --> 01:08:15,828
- Oh, my God.

2020
01:08:15,828 --> 01:08:17,671
- I love you.

2021
01:08:17,671 --> 01:08:19,044
- Oh, my God.

2022
01:08:19,044 --> 01:08:21,711
(gentle music)

2023
01:08:22,860 --> 01:08:25,935
♪ Every time I look at you ♪

2024
01:08:25,935 --> 01:08:28,518
(gentle music)

2025
01:08:40,310 --> 01:08:42,810
(Tom sighing)

2026
01:08:44,700 --> 01:08:45,603
- I'm hungry.

2027
01:08:47,040 --> 01:08:48,289
- Yeah?

2028
01:08:48,289 --> 01:08:49,530
You like eggs?

2029
01:08:49,530 --> 01:08:51,824
Why don't I make us some eggs?

2030
01:08:51,824 --> 01:08:53,070
(birds chirping)

2031
01:08:53,070 --> 01:08:55,050
- Well yeah, I'm supposed
to meet my parents

2032
01:08:55,050 --> 01:08:56,640
at the country club for brunch.

2033
01:08:56,640 --> 01:08:58,033
Do you want to come?

2034
01:08:58,033 --> 01:09:00,783
(beads rattling)

2035
01:09:03,648 --> 01:09:06,398
(birds chirping)

2036
01:09:09,690 --> 01:09:10,959
Hey.

2037
01:09:10,959 --> 01:09:12,042
Hi, mom.

2038
01:09:12,042 --> 01:09:13,293
- Hi, sweetheart.

2039
01:09:15,210 --> 01:09:16,043
- Hey, dad.

2040
01:09:16,043 --> 01:09:16,876
- Tom.

2041
01:09:17,940 --> 01:09:18,900
- This is Eli.

2042
01:09:18,900 --> 01:09:19,851
- Hi, it's nice to meet you.

2043
01:09:19,851 --> 01:09:21,012
- Hello, Eli.

2044
01:09:21,012 --> 01:09:23,095
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

2045
01:09:24,000 --> 01:09:26,190
- Well, why don't we all sit down?

2046
01:09:26,190 --> 01:09:27,933
Lydia and I can share a menu.

2047
01:09:30,000 --> 01:09:31,097
- I'll get another set up.

2048
01:09:31,097 --> 01:09:33,420
Do you guys want coffee
or juice or anything?

2049
01:09:33,420 --> 01:09:34,713
- Yeah, coffee with milk.

2050
01:09:34,713 --> 01:09:38,223
- Can I get a mimosa and
a coffee, and a water?

2051
01:09:39,150 --> 01:09:40,380
- You'll fill up on liquids, honey.

2052
01:09:40,380 --> 01:09:41,430
Save room for your meal.

2053
01:09:41,430 --> 01:09:42,263
- Leave him alone, Lydia.

2054
01:09:42,263 --> 01:09:43,260
- I wasn't criticizing him.

2055
01:09:43,260 --> 01:09:46,405
- He's obviously old
enough to please himself.

2056
01:09:46,405 --> 01:09:48,000
(Tom laughing)

2057
01:09:48,000 --> 01:09:48,833
- Yeah.

2058
01:09:48,833 --> 01:09:51,420
So, what have you guys been up to?

2059
01:09:51,420 --> 01:09:53,130
- Well, not much really.

2060
01:09:53,130 --> 01:09:54,900
We got back from Keenan on Friday.

2061
01:09:54,900 --> 01:09:59,160
And, oh, and then I took the
girls from my church group

2062
01:09:59,160 --> 01:10:00,900
to see, "The Phantom of the Opera."

2063
01:10:00,900 --> 01:10:03,120
- Oh, is that still running?

2064
01:10:03,120 --> 01:10:04,800
- It was Friday night.

2065
01:10:04,800 --> 01:10:06,120
- Right, right.

2066
01:10:06,120 --> 01:10:07,020
I didn't know.

2067
01:10:07,020 --> 01:10:09,000
- 75 bucks a shot, it's absurd.

2068
01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:10,650
It's like throwing money in the trash.

2069
01:10:10,650 --> 01:10:11,610
- [Lydia] It's theater, Jim.

2070
01:10:11,610 --> 01:10:12,960
- It's trash, Lydia.

2071
01:10:12,960 --> 01:10:13,980
- All right, all right.

2072
01:10:13,980 --> 01:10:16,466
But how was it up in Keenan?

2073
01:10:16,466 --> 01:10:19,183
(birds chirping)

2074
01:10:19,183 --> 01:10:20,130
(gentle music)

2075
01:10:20,130 --> 01:10:20,963
- What?

2076
01:10:20,963 --> 01:10:21,810
What's wrong?

2077
01:10:21,810 --> 01:10:23,610
- Now's not the time, honey.

2078
01:10:23,610 --> 01:10:27,103
- So, there's a right
time to ask about Amy?

2079
01:10:27,103 --> 01:10:29,700
(birds chirping)

2080
01:10:29,700 --> 01:10:30,533
- Stupid.

2081
01:10:30,533 --> 01:10:31,366
- Excuse me.

2082
01:10:31,366 --> 01:10:32,430
- You heard me, Lydia.

2083
01:10:32,430 --> 01:10:34,351
- You talk to me like that,
you'll see what you get from me.

2084
01:10:34,351 --> 01:10:35,221
(both laughing)

2085
01:10:35,221 --> 01:10:36,450
- Is that a threat, Lydia?

2086
01:10:36,450 --> 01:10:37,500
- Dad, could you not?

2087
01:10:37,500 --> 01:10:38,940
- Shut up, Tom.

2088
01:10:38,940 --> 01:10:40,240
- [Lydia] Oh, that's rich.

2089
01:10:45,565 --> 01:10:47,283
- Let's go.

2090
01:10:47,283 --> 01:10:49,290
Come on, let's go.

2091
01:10:49,290 --> 01:10:50,135
- Let go of me.

2092
01:10:50,135 --> 01:10:51,540
Don't do that.

2093
01:10:51,540 --> 01:10:52,373
Don't do that.

2094
01:10:52,373 --> 01:10:53,420
Get your hands off me.

2095
01:10:55,230 --> 01:10:56,610
- I told you.

2096
01:10:56,610 --> 01:10:57,600
- You always do this.

2097
01:10:57,600 --> 01:10:59,849
You always pull a scene.

2098
01:10:59,849 --> 01:11:02,242
(gentle music)

2099
01:11:02,242 --> 01:11:04,992
(birds chirping)

2100
01:11:08,970 --> 01:11:10,271
- Let's go.

2101
01:11:10,271 --> 01:11:11,820
(people speaking indistinctly)

2102
01:11:11,820 --> 01:11:14,490
- Tom, Tom, the valet's that way.

2103
01:11:14,490 --> 01:11:15,323
- I'm not ready.

2104
01:11:15,323 --> 01:11:16,596
If you wanna go, I'll take a cab.

2105
01:11:16,596 --> 01:11:17,429
(footsteps tapping)

2106
01:11:17,429 --> 01:11:18,262
(people speaking indistinctly)

2107
01:11:18,262 --> 01:11:19,549
(lighter clicking)

2108
01:11:19,549 --> 01:11:23,466
(people speaking indistinctly)

2109
01:11:25,097 --> 01:11:28,170
(birds chirping)

2110
01:11:28,170 --> 01:11:29,120
- It's a nice club.

2111
01:11:31,200 --> 01:11:32,370
You think if I were half-Jewish,

2112
01:11:32,370 --> 01:11:34,623
they'd let me halfway in the pool?

2113
01:11:34,623 --> 01:11:36,971
(birds chirping)

2114
01:11:36,971 --> 01:11:40,740
(people speaking indistinctly)

2115
01:11:40,740 --> 01:11:41,590
I'm really sorry.

2116
01:11:42,555 --> 01:11:45,175
(birds chirping)

2117
01:11:45,175 --> 01:11:47,094
- You didn't do anything.

2118
01:11:47,094 --> 01:11:50,430
(birds chirping)

2119
01:11:50,430 --> 01:11:51,263
- Who's Amy?

2120
01:11:52,263 --> 01:11:55,013
(birds chirping)

2121
01:11:55,920 --> 01:11:56,973
- She's my sister.

2122
01:11:57,810 --> 01:11:59,040
- What?

2123
01:11:59,040 --> 01:12:00,590
I didn't know you had a sister.

2124
01:12:04,020 --> 01:12:04,980
- Okay.

2125
01:12:04,980 --> 01:12:06,480
I have a sister Amy.

2126
01:12:06,480 --> 01:12:09,150
She lives up north at a
special needs facility.

2127
01:12:09,150 --> 01:12:09,983
- Was she in an accident?

2128
01:12:09,983 --> 01:12:12,210
- No, no, FAS.

2129
01:12:12,210 --> 01:12:13,440
Do you know what that is?

2130
01:12:13,440 --> 01:12:14,640
Fetal alcohol syndrome.

2131
01:12:14,640 --> 01:12:15,690
Any other questions?

2132
01:12:15,690 --> 01:12:18,120
- Hey, pal, I'm on your side, remember?

2133
01:12:18,120 --> 01:12:20,703
- I don't want anyone
on my side, remember?

2134
01:12:22,020 --> 01:12:24,993
You think just because we
fucked, that makes us a we?

2135
01:12:25,950 --> 01:12:28,590
I didn't ask for this,
for you, so just stop.

2136
01:12:28,590 --> 01:12:31,260
- You called me, remember,
so make up your fucking mind.

2137
01:12:31,260 --> 01:12:32,490
- How many ways do you need to be told

2138
01:12:32,490 --> 01:12:34,053
to leave me the fuck alone?

2139
01:12:34,053 --> 01:12:35,250
(birds chirping)

2140
01:12:35,250 --> 01:12:36,960
- You know what, asshole?

2141
01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:38,519
Just one.

2142
01:12:38,519 --> 01:12:41,648
(gentle music)

2143
01:12:41,648 --> 01:12:43,337
(birds chirping)

2144
01:12:43,337 --> 01:12:47,918
(people speaking indistinctly)

2145
01:12:47,918 --> 01:12:48,999
(gentle music)

2146
01:12:48,999 --> 01:12:50,079
(birds chirping)

2147
01:12:50,079 --> 01:12:51,810
(gentle music)

2148
01:12:51,810 --> 01:12:52,653
- Alls I know.

2149
01:12:54,330 --> 01:12:55,980
All I know

2150
01:12:55,980 --> 01:12:57,960
is if I wasn't loaded half the time,

2151
01:12:57,960 --> 01:13:00,450
I probably wouldn't be in this mess.

2152
01:13:00,450 --> 01:13:02,070
- Don't you feel like the older you get,

2153
01:13:02,070 --> 01:13:04,140
the less you really know about anything?

2154
01:13:04,140 --> 01:13:05,100
- Absolutely.

2155
01:13:05,100 --> 01:13:06,900
I don't know shit.

2156
01:13:06,900 --> 01:13:09,240
People think just because
I managed to make it to 60

2157
01:13:09,240 --> 01:13:11,310
without getting a Colombian necklace

2158
01:13:11,310 --> 01:13:12,960
or run over by a UPS truck

2159
01:13:12,960 --> 01:13:16,977
that I have the answers
to life's questions.

2160
01:13:16,977 --> 01:13:17,810
- Great, great.

2161
01:13:17,810 --> 01:13:19,440
So there's no hope.

2162
01:13:19,440 --> 01:13:21,033
- Ah, don't do that.

2163
01:13:21,033 --> 01:13:22,980
See, I'm not that deepshak Oprah

2164
01:13:22,980 --> 01:13:24,750
or whatever the hell he calls himself,

2165
01:13:24,750 --> 01:13:26,070
who tells you, you believe in yourself,

2166
01:13:26,070 --> 01:13:27,360
you can do anything.

2167
01:13:27,360 --> 01:13:28,263
Pish.

2168
01:13:29,100 --> 01:13:32,430
Alls I know is you keep your
two eyes on your own paper

2169
01:13:32,430 --> 01:13:33,993
and both hands on the wheel.

2170
01:13:35,100 --> 01:13:37,499
And a multivitamin can't hurt.

2171
01:13:37,499 --> 01:13:38,640
(Eli laughing)

2172
01:13:38,640 --> 01:13:40,410
- So I guess the lesson
is the same with booze,

2173
01:13:40,410 --> 01:13:42,663
as it is with guys,
wanting it and having it,

2174
01:13:43,560 --> 01:13:44,910
totally not the same thing.

2175
01:13:46,560 --> 01:13:48,010
I'll be right back, bathroom.

2176
01:13:49,703 --> 01:13:52,536
(water splashing)

2177
01:13:54,318 --> 01:13:57,151
(paper crunching)

2178
01:14:00,180 --> 01:14:01,500
Hey.

2179
01:14:01,500 --> 01:14:04,583
- Sometimes I think you
can want it and have it.

2180
01:14:07,507 --> 01:14:09,153
And then, what happens now?

2181
01:14:10,710 --> 01:14:11,543
- Now?

2182
01:14:12,840 --> 01:14:15,248
Oh, what do you mean, about
Eli being at the wedding?

2183
01:14:15,248 --> 01:14:19,729
- No, that's not what I meant.

2184
01:14:19,729 --> 01:14:22,440
- Oh, wait, wait.
- No, no, you wait a minute.

2185
01:14:22,440 --> 01:14:23,967
You made me wait too long.

2186
01:14:23,967 --> 01:14:25,620
You think too much, buddy.

2187
01:14:25,620 --> 01:14:27,660
- Told you, negative.

2188
01:14:27,660 --> 01:14:28,578
- [Esther] Great.

2189
01:14:28,578 --> 01:14:29,490
(Eli laughing)

2190
01:14:29,490 --> 01:14:31,203
- So I guess that's it.

2191
01:14:32,430 --> 01:14:33,563
- It's nice meeting you.

2192
01:14:33,563 --> 01:14:36,900
- Oh, you're gonna be seeing
a lot more of me, you'll see.

2193
01:14:36,900 --> 01:14:38,310
You know, now that I'm off relationships

2194
01:14:38,310 --> 01:14:39,600
and just doing one-night stands.

2195
01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:40,777
- Oh yeah, sure.

2196
01:14:40,777 --> 01:14:41,610
(Esther laughing)

2197
01:14:41,610 --> 01:14:42,615
Take a condom.

2198
01:14:42,615 --> 01:14:43,770
(Esther laughing)

2199
01:14:43,770 --> 01:14:45,360
Used to put candy in this.

2200
01:14:45,360 --> 01:14:48,290
- Anyway, I'm sorry I talked your ear off.

2201
01:14:48,290 --> 01:14:49,830
- Oh please.

2202
01:14:49,830 --> 01:14:51,884
It's better than a
fucking movie, sweetheart.

2203
01:14:51,884 --> 01:14:53,009
(both laughing)

2204
01:14:53,009 --> 01:14:55,530
Oh, don't you need a parking validation?

2205
01:14:55,530 --> 01:14:56,363
- Oh, God, right.

2206
01:14:56,363 --> 01:14:57,196
Thank you.

2207
01:14:58,361 --> 01:14:59,194
Thanks.

2208
01:14:59,194 --> 01:15:00,027
(telephone ringing)

2209
01:15:00,027 --> 01:15:01,620
- Oh, wait a second, hon.

2210
01:15:01,620 --> 01:15:03,273
Feedback clinic, this is Esther.

2211
01:15:04,337 --> 01:15:06,270
Oh, hi, honey.

2212
01:15:06,270 --> 01:15:07,323
How you doing?

2213
01:15:08,670 --> 01:15:09,720
What?

2214
01:15:09,720 --> 01:15:10,553
No, what?

2215
01:15:10,553 --> 01:15:11,386
Go ahead, ask me.

2216
01:15:13,230 --> 01:15:15,393
Well, I'm not a mind reader.

2217
01:15:16,560 --> 01:15:17,393
You ever seen me

2218
01:15:17,393 --> 01:15:20,400
on the fucking psychic
friends network channel?

2219
01:15:20,400 --> 01:15:21,990
So what?

2220
01:15:21,990 --> 01:15:22,823
All right.

2221
01:15:22,823 --> 01:15:24,990
Would you just shut up for a minute?

2222
01:15:24,990 --> 01:15:26,433
Okay, so don't tell me.

2223
01:15:29,100 --> 01:15:31,623
- Trust me, Esther, one-night stands.

2224
01:15:33,180 --> 01:15:35,340
- It's all black and
white for you, isn't it?

2225
01:15:35,340 --> 01:15:36,630
- What?

2226
01:15:36,630 --> 01:15:40,740
- I have been married to
that putz for 42 years.

2227
01:15:40,740 --> 01:15:43,563
The strongest, healthiest
man all his life.

2228
01:15:44,520 --> 01:15:49,520
And all of a sudden he
gets sick, lung cancer.

2229
01:15:50,040 --> 01:15:52,533
He never smoked a day in his life.

2230
01:15:54,480 --> 01:15:56,643
Pretty fucking ironic, isn't it?

2231
01:15:56,643 --> 01:16:00,120
He's even got someone taking
care of him in the afternoon,

2232
01:16:00,120 --> 01:16:01,443
just like a little boy.

2233
01:16:03,810 --> 01:16:04,863
But he's dying.

2234
01:16:06,150 --> 01:16:09,300
And if I stop hawking
him and giving him shit,

2235
01:16:09,300 --> 01:16:11,430
and calling him an asshole,

2236
01:16:11,430 --> 01:16:12,693
he'll know he's dying.

2237
01:16:13,710 --> 01:16:14,793
So I don't stop.

2238
01:16:17,130 --> 01:16:18,780
Plus, he is an asshole,

2239
01:16:18,780 --> 01:16:20,589
so that's a bonus.

2240
01:16:20,589 --> 01:16:23,172
(gentle music)

2241
01:16:24,540 --> 01:16:26,820
- So I've got my grandmother's ring.

2242
01:16:26,820 --> 01:16:27,810
That's old and borrowed.

2243
01:16:27,810 --> 01:16:29,689
And Rachel got me that blue thong.

2244
01:16:29,689 --> 01:16:31,290
- Ooh, hoochie floss.

2245
01:16:31,290 --> 01:16:33,570
- You got something else
that's new and blue?

2246
01:16:33,570 --> 01:16:34,983
- Oh, actually, yeah, I do.

2247
01:16:36,600 --> 01:16:39,360
- Holy shit, Tom, what happened?

2248
01:16:39,360 --> 01:16:40,193
- Bad date.

2249
01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:44,310
- What did you do, pick
him up on the street?

2250
01:16:44,310 --> 01:16:45,930
- Worse, AA.

2251
01:16:45,930 --> 01:16:48,420
Apparently, he uses sex
to work through anger,

2252
01:16:48,420 --> 01:16:50,823
which is fine when you're
not quite that angry.

2253
01:16:52,650 --> 01:16:54,960
- What am I gonna do with you?

2254
01:16:54,960 --> 01:16:56,313
- I smell a lecture.

2255
01:16:57,450 --> 01:16:59,160
- Fuck you, Tom.

2256
01:16:59,160 --> 01:17:02,880
Okay, you blow off a great guy
Who by the way doesn't hit,

2257
01:17:02,880 --> 01:17:05,100
because he made the tragic
mistake of falling for you.

2258
01:17:05,100 --> 01:17:07,080
And instead you're doing
Ike and Tina Turner

2259
01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:09,150
with some asshole from AA.

2260
01:17:09,150 --> 01:17:11,430
- Well, you know, at least
he's not at Williams-Sonoma

2261
01:17:11,430 --> 01:17:13,923
registering for a commitment ceremony.

2262
01:17:16,020 --> 01:17:16,853
- You're right.

2263
01:17:16,853 --> 01:17:18,603
You're right, Eli is such a loser.

2264
01:17:19,620 --> 01:17:20,833
I'm going home.

2265
01:17:20,833 --> 01:17:22,474
(footsteps tapping)

2266
01:17:22,474 --> 01:17:25,641
(gentle upbeat music)

2267
01:17:37,260 --> 01:17:38,414
- Holy shit.

2268
01:17:38,414 --> 01:17:41,016
(gentle upbeat music)

2269
01:17:41,016 --> 01:17:41,978
- What's the matter?

2270
01:17:41,978 --> 01:17:43,071
- What?

2271
01:17:43,071 --> 01:17:44,510
Nothing.

2272
01:17:44,510 --> 01:17:45,343
- Bullshit.

2273
01:17:45,343 --> 01:17:46,636
Why aren't you getting dressed?

2274
01:17:46,636 --> 01:17:50,304
- I'm nervous about seeing Tom
at the wedding, that's all.

2275
01:17:50,304 --> 01:17:51,180
(Brett laughing)

2276
01:17:51,180 --> 01:17:53,100
- See, only you could turn my wedding day

2277
01:17:53,100 --> 01:17:54,870
into the Eli Wyckoff show, you know that.

2278
01:17:54,870 --> 01:17:56,520
- I'm sorry, okay, believe me,

2279
01:17:56,520 --> 01:17:58,530
nobody can hate me as much as I do.

2280
01:17:58,530 --> 01:17:59,363
- Oh, my God.

2281
01:17:59,363 --> 01:18:02,010
You know, you have to change
the fucking record, man.

2282
01:18:02,010 --> 01:18:04,080
You have to stop.

2283
01:18:04,080 --> 01:18:06,690
You cannot make this
be the be-all, end-all

2284
01:18:06,690 --> 01:18:08,280
of your entire life.

2285
01:18:08,280 --> 01:18:09,113
- I'm not.

2286
01:18:09,113 --> 01:18:10,080
- Yeah, that's exactly what you're doing.

2287
01:18:10,080 --> 01:18:11,160
Let me tell you something.

2288
01:18:11,160 --> 01:18:13,320
Love, right, it's gonna come up,

2289
01:18:13,320 --> 01:18:15,060
and it's just gonna whack
you on the back of the head

2290
01:18:15,060 --> 01:18:15,893
before you even know what hit you.

2291
01:18:15,893 --> 01:18:16,726
- I don't believe that.

2292
01:18:16,726 --> 01:18:17,559
- What are you talking,

2293
01:18:17,559 --> 01:18:18,392
that's what happened to me and Jackie.

2294
01:18:18,392 --> 01:18:19,320
- Yeah, well, you and Jackie were lucky.

2295
01:18:19,320 --> 01:18:20,970
- You know, you're so,
you're unbelievable.

2296
01:18:20,970 --> 01:18:23,040
I was miserable before I met her,

2297
01:18:23,040 --> 01:18:24,198
and it just happens, you know.

2298
01:18:24,198 --> 01:18:27,455
I mean, you're a fucking amazing guy.

2299
01:18:27,455 --> 01:18:28,288
- You don't have to do this.

2300
01:18:28,288 --> 01:18:29,121
Don't do.

2301
01:18:29,121 --> 01:18:29,954
- Please shut up.

2302
01:18:29,954 --> 01:18:30,990
You're a great guy, you know.

2303
01:18:30,990 --> 01:18:32,370
I mean, if I were into guys,

2304
01:18:32,370 --> 01:18:34,590
we'd be in China right
now picking out a baby.

2305
01:18:34,590 --> 01:18:35,670
Thank god I'm not, but,

2306
01:18:35,670 --> 01:18:37,797
I'm kidding, you know I love the gays.

2307
01:18:37,797 --> 01:18:39,033
- And we appreciate it.

2308
01:18:40,110 --> 01:18:41,190
- [Mitch] Guys.

2309
01:18:41,190 --> 01:18:42,180
- [Brett] Mitch.

2310
01:18:42,180 --> 01:18:43,425
- I don't know if it's just me,

2311
01:18:43,425 --> 01:18:46,513
but I'm loving this tux.
- You like the tux?

2312
01:18:46,513 --> 01:18:47,513
- Loving it.

2313
01:18:48,660 --> 01:18:51,443
- Mitch, remember how we
discussed the Ritalin situation?

2314
01:18:55,562 --> 01:18:56,670
(birds chirping)

2315
01:18:56,670 --> 01:18:59,070
Just please put on your pants.

2316
01:18:59,070 --> 01:19:00,960
Or get a tan.

2317
01:19:00,960 --> 01:19:01,793
- Get doubles.

2318
01:19:01,793 --> 01:19:02,626
I want all of these.

2319
01:19:02,626 --> 01:19:03,459
- Oh, yeah.

2320
01:19:03,459 --> 01:19:05,074
When my sister got married,
the best pictures were,

2321
01:19:05,074 --> 01:19:06,840
like, from the Instamatics.

2322
01:19:06,840 --> 01:19:09,240
- Your sister got married?

2323
01:19:09,240 --> 01:19:10,230
- Yes.

2324
01:19:10,230 --> 01:19:12,900
- Jesus, fuck, what is my problem?

2325
01:19:12,900 --> 01:19:15,270
I'm like man poison.

2326
01:19:15,270 --> 01:19:17,138
Fucking penis raid.

2327
01:19:17,138 --> 01:19:18,360
Whatever.

2328
01:19:18,360 --> 01:19:19,193
- Okay, girls

2329
01:19:20,100 --> 01:19:21,150
How do I look?

2330
01:19:21,150 --> 01:19:22,830
- Oh, my God.

2331
01:19:22,830 --> 01:19:25,350
You look like a movie star.

2332
01:19:25,350 --> 01:19:26,280
- Really?

2333
01:19:26,280 --> 01:19:27,216
- Yes.
- Totally.

2334
01:19:27,216 --> 01:19:28,950
- Seriously.

2335
01:19:28,950 --> 01:19:29,783
- Oh, Christ.

2336
01:19:29,783 --> 01:19:31,140
In a million years, I never thought I'd be

2337
01:19:31,140 --> 01:19:32,520
wearing white this soon.

2338
01:19:32,520 --> 01:19:34,350
- Yeah, well, you shouldn't be,

2339
01:19:34,350 --> 01:19:35,460
unless you want me to call the pope

2340
01:19:35,460 --> 01:19:36,460
and tell him it happened again.

2341
01:19:36,460 --> 01:19:37,770
(all laughing)

2342
01:19:37,770 --> 01:19:39,360
- Hey, I would have worn the cream one,

2343
01:19:39,360 --> 01:19:41,040
except for it made me
look like a Jenny Craig,

2344
01:19:41,040 --> 01:19:42,720
before picture.

2345
01:19:42,720 --> 01:19:44,013
- Are you crazy?

2346
01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:46,530
- Where's Tom?

2347
01:19:46,530 --> 01:19:47,730
- He's out on the patio.

2348
01:19:47,730 --> 01:19:49,230
I mean, he is a man, after all.

2349
01:19:49,230 --> 01:19:50,063
- [Jackie] What?

2350
01:19:50,063 --> 01:19:50,896
- Repellent, remember?

2351
01:19:50,896 --> 01:19:52,144
Gay or straight doesn't matter.

2352
01:19:52,144 --> 01:19:53,640
(all laughing)

2353
01:19:53,640 --> 01:19:55,170
- Hey, put that out.

2354
01:19:55,170 --> 01:19:57,210
You're killing my unborn child.

2355
01:19:57,210 --> 01:19:58,373
- I was aiming a little higher.

2356
01:19:58,373 --> 01:20:00,120
- Oh, nice.

2357
01:20:00,120 --> 01:20:01,520
What are you doing out here?

2358
01:20:02,519 --> 01:20:05,352
(birds chirping)

2359
01:20:07,020 --> 01:20:09,693
Oh, my God, Eli was stalking you?

2360
01:20:10,560 --> 01:20:13,290
That is so romantic.

2361
01:20:13,290 --> 01:20:14,190
- Well, not to me.

2362
01:20:15,330 --> 01:20:17,280
- Oh, oh, that's right, that's right,

2363
01:20:17,280 --> 01:20:18,270
but if he tried to kill you,

2364
01:20:18,270 --> 01:20:20,320
then you'd be picking out China patterns.

2365
01:20:21,690 --> 01:20:23,039
Hey, you all right?

2366
01:20:23,039 --> 01:20:24,210
(birds chirping)

2367
01:20:24,210 --> 01:20:25,203
- Yeah, yeah.

2368
01:20:26,817 --> 01:20:27,650
Just you're getting married,

2369
01:20:27,650 --> 01:20:28,796
I'm having abandonment issues.

2370
01:20:28,796 --> 01:20:29,765
(Jackie laughing)

2371
01:20:29,765 --> 01:20:32,010
- I'm just extending the family, babe.

2372
01:20:32,010 --> 01:20:33,768
- [Lizz] Jackie, let's go.

2373
01:20:33,768 --> 01:20:35,373
- We'll be right there.

2374
01:20:36,700 --> 01:20:37,654
(birds chirping)

2375
01:20:37,654 --> 01:20:40,321
(gentle music)

2376
01:20:41,880 --> 01:20:43,833
Tom, I owe you an apology.

2377
01:20:45,033 --> 01:20:46,360
- For what?

2378
01:20:46,360 --> 01:20:48,610
- The way I've been
pressuring you about Eli.

2379
01:20:49,470 --> 01:20:51,660
I realize I've just
been trying to make you

2380
01:20:51,660 --> 01:20:53,463
like everybody else, and you're not.

2381
01:20:54,450 --> 01:20:56,633
And that's one of the
things I love about you.

2382
01:20:58,059 --> 01:21:00,360
You're the only guy I know
who will probably never find

2383
01:21:00,360 --> 01:21:02,400
that one person to settle down with,

2384
01:21:02,400 --> 01:21:03,873
and still be very happy.

2385
01:21:04,980 --> 01:21:05,813
I envy that.

2386
01:21:07,560 --> 01:21:10,272
- Jackie, get your ass in
here or I'm wearing the veil.

2387
01:21:10,272 --> 01:21:12,420
(Jackie laughing)

2388
01:21:12,420 --> 01:21:13,443
- We're coming.

2389
01:21:15,300 --> 01:21:16,530
But look at me.

2390
01:21:16,530 --> 01:21:18,030
Shit.

2391
01:21:18,030 --> 01:21:20,917
I'm, like, one step away
from den mother, PTA and,

2392
01:21:20,917 --> 01:21:22,227
"Hi, honey, I'm home."

2393
01:21:23,340 --> 01:21:25,590
How the fuck did that happen?

2394
01:21:25,590 --> 01:21:27,466
- I guess you fell in love.

2395
01:21:27,466 --> 01:21:29,010
- What?

2396
01:21:29,010 --> 01:21:30,240
Oh, no, no, no, I just got lipstick

2397
01:21:30,240 --> 01:21:31,680
all over every single one of my teeth.

2398
01:21:31,680 --> 01:21:32,580
How did I do that?

2399
01:21:33,600 --> 01:21:34,433
Hmm.

2400
01:21:37,140 --> 01:21:38,100
All right.

2401
01:21:38,100 --> 01:21:40,593
Well, it's show time.

2402
01:21:41,589 --> 01:21:43,439
- [Rabbi] You may exchange the rings.

2403
01:21:45,234 --> 01:21:47,109
- Wow, it's a nice one.

2404
01:21:47,109 --> 01:21:50,359
(gentle upbeat music)

2405
01:21:54,413 --> 01:21:55,845
- [Rabbi] Congratulations.

2406
01:21:55,845 --> 01:21:58,100
I now pronounce you man and wife.

2407
01:21:58,100 --> 01:21:59,323
You may kiss the bride.

2408
01:21:59,323 --> 01:22:00,656
(glass crunching)

2409
01:22:00,656 --> 01:22:01,665
- [Guest] Mazel tov.

2410
01:22:01,665 --> 01:22:04,665
(guests applauding)

2411
01:22:06,632 --> 01:22:09,799
(gentle upbeat music)

2412
01:22:13,525 --> 01:22:17,246
(people speaking indistinctly)

2413
01:22:17,246 --> 01:22:20,496
(gentle upbeat music)

2414
01:22:33,747 --> 01:22:34,580
- Eli.

2415
01:22:37,590 --> 01:22:38,730
Eli.

2416
01:22:38,730 --> 01:22:39,563
- Yeah?

2417
01:22:41,460 --> 01:22:43,170
- How how long are we going to have to

2418
01:22:43,170 --> 01:22:44,420
keep ignoring each other?

2419
01:22:46,080 --> 01:22:47,449
- What?

2420
01:22:47,449 --> 01:22:48,593
I'm not ignoring you.

2421
01:22:48,593 --> 01:22:50,073
Are you ignoring me?

2422
01:22:51,240 --> 01:22:52,263
- Come on, Eli.

2423
01:22:53,100 --> 01:22:55,350
You haven't returned
one of my phone calls,

2424
01:22:55,350 --> 01:22:58,350
and you've said maybe
words to me the entire day,

2425
01:22:58,350 --> 01:23:00,210
two of which were, Seafood Newburg.

2426
01:23:00,210 --> 01:23:02,591
- Which I have to say was repulsive.

2427
01:23:02,591 --> 01:23:05,310
(Tom laughing)

2428
01:23:05,310 --> 01:23:06,600
Can I get some more champagne?

2429
01:23:06,600 --> 01:23:07,433
Champagne?

2430
01:23:07,433 --> 01:23:08,266
- No.

2431
01:23:08,266 --> 01:23:09,099
Can I get a.

2432
01:23:09,099 --> 01:23:09,932
- Oh, that's right, I'm sorry.

2433
01:23:09,932 --> 01:23:11,700
Absolut Martini, straight up,
two olives, make it dirty.

2434
01:23:11,700 --> 01:23:12,533
- No, no.

2435
01:23:12,533 --> 01:23:14,756
Actually, seltzer with lime, please.

2436
01:23:14,756 --> 01:23:16,794
(gentle upbeat music)

2437
01:23:16,794 --> 01:23:17,627
- What?

2438
01:23:17,627 --> 01:23:20,488
So now you're not drinking?

2439
01:23:20,488 --> 01:23:24,120
(gentle upbeat music)

2440
01:23:24,120 --> 01:23:24,953
Wow.

2441
01:23:25,890 --> 01:23:26,723
Good for you.

2442
01:23:27,960 --> 01:23:28,793
- Thanks.

2443
01:23:30,480 --> 01:23:31,313
I sort of had to.

2444
01:23:31,313 --> 01:23:32,899
I was slipping in the polls.

2445
01:23:32,899 --> 01:23:34,980
(gentle upbeat music)

2446
01:23:34,980 --> 01:23:37,567
- Yeah, well I, on the other hand,

2447
01:23:37,567 --> 01:23:39,123
need some more champagne.

2448
01:23:40,118 --> 01:23:43,285
(gentle upbeat music)

2449
01:23:50,192 --> 01:23:51,685
♪ She treats me right ♪

2450
01:23:51,685 --> 01:23:53,479
♪ Is it a big surprise ♪

2451
01:23:53,479 --> 01:23:57,397
♪ She won't do anything
that she says she would ♪

2452
01:23:57,397 --> 01:23:59,316
♪ She makes me feel great ♪

2453
01:23:59,316 --> 01:24:00,910
♪ She makes me feel good ♪

2454
01:24:00,910 --> 01:24:02,261
- Look, Eli, I'm sorry I didn't.

2455
01:24:02,261 --> 01:24:03,450
- You know what?

2456
01:24:03,450 --> 01:24:05,340
Let's not do any of that,

2457
01:24:05,340 --> 01:24:08,123
I'm sorry it didn't work
out, postmortem stuff, okay.

2458
01:24:09,833 --> 01:24:10,666
- Okay.

2459
01:24:10,666 --> 01:24:12,360
(both laughing)

2460
01:24:12,360 --> 01:24:15,310
- Besides, it will free up some
time to make fun of people.

2461
01:24:16,350 --> 01:24:19,260
Like Mitch, man of mystery,
teaching the rabbi the macarena.

2462
01:24:19,260 --> 01:24:20,258
What is this, 1987?

2463
01:24:20,258 --> 01:24:22,320
(Tom laughing)

2464
01:24:22,320 --> 01:24:24,210
- Did you see Brett's mom?

2465
01:24:24,210 --> 01:24:25,698
I've never seen a woman
with more hair on her back.

2466
01:24:25,698 --> 01:24:26,531
- I know.

2467
01:24:26,531 --> 01:24:28,620
I keep waiting for the Anti-fur
activists to storm in here

2468
01:24:28,620 --> 01:24:29,773
and throw paint on her.

2469
01:24:29,773 --> 01:24:31,710
(both laughing)

2470
01:24:31,710 --> 01:24:32,910
- Poor Brett and Jackie.

2471
01:24:33,780 --> 01:24:35,370
They have no idea what they've
gotten themselves into,

2472
01:24:35,370 --> 01:24:37,290
but they will Mark my words.

2473
01:24:37,290 --> 01:24:40,260
See, first, they'll only
hang out with other couples,

2474
01:24:40,260 --> 01:24:42,157
and then they'll start doing the we thing.

2475
01:24:42,157 --> 01:24:45,240
"Oh, we love this, and we hate that."

2476
01:24:45,240 --> 01:24:46,507
And ordering for each other, because,

2477
01:24:46,507 --> 01:24:47,967
"That's what we always have."

2478
01:24:49,050 --> 01:24:50,490
Before you know it, she'll be shopping

2479
01:24:50,490 --> 01:24:51,930
for lingerie at Bloomingdale's,

2480
01:24:51,930 --> 01:24:54,420
and Brett, the poor loser, will
be outside the dressing room

2481
01:24:54,420 --> 01:24:56,534
with her pocketbook in his lap.

2482
01:24:56,534 --> 01:24:59,430
(gentle upbeat music)

2483
01:24:59,430 --> 01:25:01,080
- Oh, my God.

2484
01:25:01,080 --> 01:25:03,750
You are so full of shit, you know that?

2485
01:25:03,750 --> 01:25:06,930
You got this bullshit, I
don't need anyone, thing,

2486
01:25:06,930 --> 01:25:07,950
and you use that,

2487
01:25:07,950 --> 01:25:09,060
thinking it's going to shield you

2488
01:25:09,060 --> 01:25:11,130
from the fact that your
parents were drunks,

2489
01:25:11,130 --> 01:25:14,520
had a lousy marriage, and fucked
up everyone in their lives.

2490
01:25:14,520 --> 01:25:16,323
But it's your life now, not theirs.

2491
01:25:17,220 --> 01:25:19,050
And what do you have to show for it?

2492
01:25:19,050 --> 01:25:21,990
You're just another self-hating
recovering alcoholic

2493
01:25:21,990 --> 01:25:24,693
with nothing to live for but
a Martini and a blow job.

2494
01:25:25,703 --> 01:25:28,397
(gentle upbeat music)

2495
01:25:28,397 --> 01:25:31,410
(people speaking indistinctly)

2496
01:25:31,410 --> 01:25:32,243
- Eli.

2497
01:25:32,243 --> 01:25:33,780
Eli.

2498
01:25:33,780 --> 01:25:34,613
Hey.

2499
01:25:37,530 --> 01:25:40,200
Don't you dare sum me up.

2500
01:25:40,200 --> 01:25:42,270
You don't know the first thing about me.

2501
01:25:42,270 --> 01:25:43,409
- And that would be whose fault?

2502
01:25:43,409 --> 01:25:44,668
- Oh, God.

2503
01:25:44,668 --> 01:25:45,501
God.

2504
01:25:45,501 --> 01:25:46,334
You know what?

2505
01:25:46,334 --> 01:25:49,233
It's so easy for you, Mr. love
is a many-splendored thing.

2506
01:25:50,160 --> 01:25:50,993
But you know what?

2507
01:25:50,993 --> 01:25:52,170
I've seen it.

2508
01:25:52,170 --> 01:25:53,003
I've seen it.

2509
01:25:53,003 --> 01:25:55,980
My parents loved one another,
"'Til death do us part."

2510
01:25:55,980 --> 01:25:58,033
And believe me, it
practically came to that.

2511
01:25:58,033 --> 01:26:02,310
I mean, have you ever heard
the sound of two people

2512
01:26:02,310 --> 01:26:04,470
suffocating one another?

2513
01:26:04,470 --> 01:26:05,303
Have you?

2514
01:26:05,303 --> 01:26:08,880
Or the sound of ice cubes
smashing against the wall,

2515
01:26:08,880 --> 01:26:11,370
or a pot roast being
shoved down the disposal?

2516
01:26:11,370 --> 01:26:12,210
No.

2517
01:26:12,210 --> 01:26:15,150
How could you possibly,
with your touchy-feely,

2518
01:26:15,150 --> 01:26:16,983
I'm okay, you're okay, parents?

2519
01:26:19,380 --> 01:26:21,603
I'm sorry I'm bursting your little bubble,

2520
01:26:22,620 --> 01:26:24,420
but there are a million guys out there

2521
01:26:24,420 --> 01:26:25,970
who can give you what you want.

2522
01:26:27,572 --> 01:26:28,822
I'm just not one of them.

2523
01:26:31,590 --> 01:26:32,423
I'm sorry.

2524
01:26:33,870 --> 01:26:34,703
You do the math.

2525
01:26:36,247 --> 01:26:38,096
(footsteps tapping)

2526
01:26:38,096 --> 01:26:39,263
You know what?

2527
01:26:40,470 --> 01:26:43,120
Fuck you, if that's the
wrong use of that expression.

2528
01:26:44,360 --> 01:26:46,943
(gentle music)

2529
01:26:48,961 --> 01:26:53,458
(people speaking indistinctly)

2530
01:26:53,458 --> 01:26:56,725
(gentle music)

2531
01:26:56,725 --> 01:27:01,725
♪ If I could bring you back ♪

2532
01:27:01,942 --> 01:27:05,697
♪ That'd be the sweetest thing ♪

2533
01:27:05,697 --> 01:27:10,186
♪ If I could bring you back ♪

2534
01:27:10,186 --> 01:27:13,966
♪ I would do anything ♪

2535
01:27:13,966 --> 01:27:18,966
♪ If I could bring you back ♪

2536
01:27:19,876 --> 01:27:22,072
♪ To me ♪

2537
01:27:22,072 --> 01:27:24,655
(gentle music)

2538
01:27:28,415 --> 01:27:31,165
(birds chirping)

2539
01:27:33,210 --> 01:27:36,210
(footsteps tapping)

2540
01:27:45,371 --> 01:27:48,038
(gentle music)

2541
01:27:49,576 --> 01:27:52,493
- I just wanted to say before I go,

2542
01:27:53,805 --> 01:27:54,638
I'm sorry.

2543
01:27:55,796 --> 01:27:58,200
(gentle music)

2544
01:27:58,200 --> 01:27:59,430
I don't want you to leave here today

2545
01:27:59,430 --> 01:28:02,260
thinking that you can't do this

2546
01:28:04,020 --> 01:28:04,853
Being a.

2547
01:28:08,670 --> 01:28:09,939
Because you can.

2548
01:28:09,939 --> 01:28:11,760
(gentle music)

2549
01:28:11,760 --> 01:28:13,450
Tom, you are gonna meet someone

2550
01:28:16,080 --> 01:28:18,273
and you are gonna be so great at this.

2551
01:28:20,234 --> 01:28:22,200
And it's not gonna be like your parents,

2552
01:28:22,200 --> 01:28:27,200
and and it's not gonna
be like it was with me.

2553
01:28:27,384 --> 01:28:29,967
(gentle music)

2554
01:28:32,168 --> 01:28:33,003
Anyway,

2555
01:28:38,100 --> 01:28:39,100
I'll see you around.

2556
01:28:40,380 --> 01:28:41,213
- Eli.

2557
01:28:42,870 --> 01:28:43,703
- [Eli] What?

2558
01:28:45,090 --> 01:28:46,440
- What exactly do you want?

2559
01:28:50,989 --> 01:28:52,249
- What what do I?

2560
01:28:52,249 --> 01:28:53,290
- Yeah.

2561
01:28:53,290 --> 01:28:54,123
Yeah, you.

2562
01:28:55,567 --> 01:28:58,770
(gentle music)

2563
01:28:58,770 --> 01:29:02,868
- I wanted this to stop
being so fucking hard.

2564
01:29:02,868 --> 01:29:05,451
(gentle music)

2565
01:29:07,710 --> 01:29:09,060
I want to meet your sister.

2566
01:29:09,940 --> 01:29:12,607
(gentle music)

2567
01:29:13,710 --> 01:29:15,270
I want to be over this part, you know,

2568
01:29:15,270 --> 01:29:18,480
so that I can call you an asshole,

2569
01:29:18,480 --> 01:29:19,440
even when you're sick,

2570
01:29:19,440 --> 01:29:23,630
and you'd still know how much I love you.

2571
01:29:23,630 --> 01:29:24,463
- Eli.

2572
01:29:24,463 --> 01:29:26,220
- I don't know what you call that, Tom,

2573
01:29:26,220 --> 01:29:28,953
pocketbook-holding, suffocating, maybe.

2574
01:29:31,131 --> 01:29:33,624
But if I could ever have
anything even close to that.

2575
01:29:33,624 --> 01:29:34,457
- Shh.

2576
01:29:34,457 --> 01:29:37,040
(gentle music)

2577
01:29:42,563 --> 01:29:45,313
(birds chirping)

2578
01:29:47,467 --> 01:29:50,050
(gentle music)

2579
01:29:58,379 --> 01:30:01,890
(both laughing)

2580
01:30:01,890 --> 01:30:03,431
- So I'm gonna go, okay?

2581
01:30:03,431 --> 01:30:05,790
(both laughing)

2582
01:30:05,790 --> 01:30:07,560
Valet's got my car.

2583
01:30:07,560 --> 01:30:08,916
Got to.

2584
01:30:08,916 --> 01:30:10,917
- Hey, there you are.

2585
01:30:10,917 --> 01:30:12,540
Oh, Eli, hey.

2586
01:30:12,540 --> 01:30:13,373
- Hey.

2587
01:30:13,373 --> 01:30:14,206
- Should I or is,

2588
01:30:14,206 --> 01:30:15,510
is everything okay?

2589
01:30:15,510 --> 01:30:16,380
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

2590
01:30:16,380 --> 01:30:17,820
What's up with the braid?

2591
01:30:17,820 --> 01:30:19,337
- Oh, Brett did it.

2592
01:30:19,337 --> 01:30:21,150
It's a long story.

2593
01:30:21,150 --> 01:30:23,370
Okay, I need to take a personal moment.

2594
01:30:23,370 --> 01:30:24,660
- What's the matter,
you're not having fun?

2595
01:30:24,660 --> 01:30:27,000
- Oh, I was 'til about minutes ago.

2596
01:30:27,000 --> 01:30:27,833
- What happened?

2597
01:30:28,740 --> 01:30:30,660
- I put my left foot in,
I put my left foot out,

2598
01:30:30,660 --> 01:30:32,875
I put my left foot in,
and then I threw up.

2599
01:30:32,875 --> 01:30:34,762
(all laughing)

2600
01:30:34,762 --> 01:30:35,700
- The baby?

2601
01:30:35,700 --> 01:30:38,190
- No, Brett's cousin Al bumped
his pokey into my hokey,

2602
01:30:38,190 --> 01:30:40,050
and I borched, all right.

2603
01:30:40,050 --> 01:30:42,480
I think Brett is the only
normal person in that family.

2604
01:30:42,480 --> 01:30:43,313
- Yeah.

2605
01:30:43,313 --> 01:30:44,760
- Okay, can we talk
about his brother Mitch?

2606
01:30:44,760 --> 01:30:45,810
Hello, Freaky Mcfreak.

2607
01:30:45,810 --> 01:30:46,643
- I know.

2608
01:30:46,643 --> 01:30:47,970
The guy wants to get
into Cirque Du Soleil.

2609
01:30:47,970 --> 01:30:49,979
I swear to you, he says he
can swallow his own leg.

2610
01:30:49,979 --> 01:30:51,480
(Jackie laughing)

2611
01:30:51,480 --> 01:30:53,550
- Well yo, what's up?

2612
01:30:53,550 --> 01:30:54,450
How are you doin'?

2613
01:30:55,440 --> 01:30:56,610
What am I missing?

2614
01:30:56,610 --> 01:30:58,413
- Oh, just a family resemblance,

2615
01:30:58,413 --> 01:30:59,560
and I love you for it.

2616
01:30:59,560 --> 01:31:00,393
- Okay.

2617
01:31:00,393 --> 01:31:01,226
I don't know what that means.

2618
01:31:01,226 --> 01:31:02,660
I'm really smashed.

2619
01:31:02,660 --> 01:31:04,890
I think I just made out with the rabbi.

2620
01:31:04,890 --> 01:31:05,723
Is that?

2621
01:31:05,723 --> 01:31:06,556
(Jackie laughing)

2622
01:31:06,556 --> 01:31:07,389
- He is hot.

2623
01:31:07,389 --> 01:31:08,222
- Is there gonna be dancing?

2624
01:31:08,222 --> 01:31:09,055
Are we gonna dance?

2625
01:31:09,055 --> 01:31:09,888
'Cause I promised the family

2626
01:31:09,888 --> 01:31:12,090
some hot man on man action tonight.

2627
01:31:12,090 --> 01:31:13,350
- You and me?

2628
01:31:13,350 --> 01:31:14,310
- No.

2629
01:31:14,310 --> 01:31:15,990
- I think he means me and you.

2630
01:31:15,990 --> 01:31:17,113
- Come on, guys, let's go.

2631
01:31:17,113 --> 01:31:18,810
It's gonna be fun.

2632
01:31:18,810 --> 01:31:19,858
Come on, sweetheart.

2633
01:31:19,858 --> 01:31:22,560
Oh, look at that ass.

2634
01:31:22,560 --> 01:31:23,760
A little something like that,

2635
01:31:23,760 --> 01:31:26,265
or if you want, we could do '80s style.

2636
01:31:26,265 --> 01:31:27,098
No?

2637
01:31:27,098 --> 01:31:28,550
Come on, stuff like that,

2638
01:31:28,550 --> 01:31:30,739
and then maybe a little uh.

2639
01:31:30,739 --> 01:31:31,572
You know what I'm saying?

2640
01:31:31,572 --> 01:31:32,405
- Ow, ow.

2641
01:31:32,405 --> 01:31:33,238
You're stepping on my foot.

2642
01:31:33,238 --> 01:31:34,290
- How was that replaced hip I got.

2643
01:31:34,290 --> 01:31:36,543
- How hot does this broad look tonight?

2644
01:31:37,530 --> 01:31:38,797
- [Tom Voiceover] So I meant
to tell you, I finally saw,

2645
01:31:38,797 --> 01:31:40,320
"Gone with the Wind."

2646
01:31:40,320 --> 01:31:41,583
- [Eli Voiceover] And?

2647
01:31:41,583 --> 01:31:43,975
- [Tom Voiceover] And and I loved it.

2648
01:31:43,975 --> 01:31:44,808
- [Eli Voiceover] Oh, thank God.

2649
01:31:44,808 --> 01:31:47,370
- [Tom Voiceover] See, I think
Scarlett realizes in the end

2650
01:31:47,370 --> 01:31:49,470
that it was just fear
holding her back from the guy

2651
01:31:49,470 --> 01:31:52,913
that she wanted to, you
know, hold her pocketbook.

2652
01:31:52,913 --> 01:31:54,480
(both laughing)

2653
01:31:54,480 --> 01:31:55,883
- [Eli Voiceover] Yeah.

2654
01:31:55,883 --> 01:31:57,810
- [Tom Voiceover] And the
thing about Rhett Butler.

2655
01:31:57,810 --> 01:31:59,340
- [Eli Voiceover] Yeah?

2656
01:31:59,340 --> 01:32:01,881
- [Tom Voiceover] He
wasn't very fuzzy, was he?

2657
01:32:01,881 --> 01:32:05,671
♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

2658
01:32:05,671 --> 01:32:09,518
♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

2659
01:32:09,518 --> 01:32:12,232
♪ And we're gonna stay together ♪

2660
01:32:12,232 --> 01:32:14,308
♪ For a million years ♪

2661
01:32:14,308 --> 01:32:17,475
(gentle upbeat music)

2662
01:32:22,871 --> 01:32:26,722
♪ It's the least I can do ♪

2663
01:32:26,722 --> 01:32:30,704
♪ Just to make you my baby ♪

2664
01:32:30,704 --> 01:32:34,617
♪ No words could describe ♪

2665
01:32:34,617 --> 01:32:38,464
♪ Oh, pinch me, I'm dreamin' ♪

2666
01:32:38,464 --> 01:32:42,464
♪ Your hair's long and black ♪

2667
01:32:42,464 --> 01:32:46,338
♪ As it lays 'cross my pillow ♪

2668
01:32:46,338 --> 01:32:50,158
♪ When I stare in your eyes ♪

2669
01:32:50,158 --> 01:32:53,893
♪ I get lost in your glory ♪

2670
01:32:53,893 --> 01:32:57,478
♪ I'll never leave ♪

2671
01:32:57,478 --> 01:33:01,383
♪ Oh, you want me to
but that's all right ♪

2672
01:33:01,383 --> 01:33:04,876
(gentle upbeat music)

2673
01:33:04,876 --> 01:33:08,703
♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

2674
01:33:08,703 --> 01:33:11,147
♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

2675
01:33:11,147 --> 01:33:12,610
♪ Dry all the tears ♪

2676
01:33:12,610 --> 01:33:16,944
♪ And we're gonna stay
together for a million ♪

2677
01:33:16,944 --> 01:33:20,361
♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

2678
01:33:20,361 --> 01:33:22,881
♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

2679
01:33:22,881 --> 01:33:24,467
♪ Dry all the tears ♪

2680
01:33:24,467 --> 01:33:26,999
♪ And we're gonna stay together ♪

2681
01:33:26,999 --> 01:33:29,262
♪ For a million years ♪

2682
01:33:29,262 --> 01:33:32,429
(gentle upbeat music)

2683
01:33:37,916 --> 01:33:41,999
(gentle upbeat music continues)

2684
01:33:47,390 --> 01:33:51,307
♪ If the silence doesn't kill you ♪

2685
01:33:51,307 --> 01:33:53,437
♪ Then illusion will ♪

2686
01:33:53,437 --> 01:33:56,604
(gentle upbeat music)

2687
01:33:58,333 --> 01:34:01,068
♪ And you're starin' at the sky ♪

2688
01:34:01,068 --> 01:34:04,552
♪ But the moon ain't gonna pay our bills ♪

2689
01:34:04,552 --> 01:34:07,719
(gentle upbeat music)

2690
01:34:08,836 --> 01:34:11,797
♪ And we're laughin' bout it loud ♪

2691
01:34:11,797 --> 01:34:15,229
♪ When, oh, you know it ain't no joke ♪

2692
01:34:15,229 --> 01:34:18,396
(gentle upbeat music)

2693
01:34:19,412 --> 01:34:22,721
♪ You seem them cake
the roads with glitter ♪

2694
01:34:22,721 --> 01:34:25,923
♪ Trade your dreams for smoke ♪

2695
01:34:25,923 --> 01:34:29,090
(gentle upbeat music)

2696
01:34:30,581 --> 01:34:33,969
♪ Teardrops in the treetops ♪

2697
01:34:33,969 --> 01:34:37,703
♪ The wind is whistlin'
through the mountain's teeth ♪

2698
01:34:37,703 --> 01:34:41,272
(gentle upbeat music)

2699
01:34:41,272 --> 01:34:45,272
♪ A song for every wounded dove ♪

2700
01:34:47,183 --> 01:34:50,350
(gentle upbeat music)

2701
01:34:53,315 --> 01:34:57,312
♪ But we're out further ♪

2702
01:34:57,312 --> 01:35:00,040
♪ Than the rainbow's edge ♪

2703
01:35:00,040 --> 01:35:02,215
(gentle upbeat music)

2704
01:35:02,215 --> 01:35:06,882
♪ Going down, down to the roots of love ♪

2705
01:35:08,652 --> 01:35:11,902
(gentle upbeat music)